Darkness Until Dawn

I'm continuing to focus as in as laserlike a fashion as possible on what I am good at. If I can avoid any car accidents or other surprises, I should be ok.  I keep looking for chances to increase my efficiency.  I've simplified and standardized my days, trying to make everyday as routine and unchanging as possible. This includes not thinking in terms of weekends and weekdays. Everyday is just another day. Same meals, same routes. Same stores. Same food. Same hours.  I find it liberating to eliminate chaos. I complete only my planned tasks. I'm still struggling to find enough energy and focus to complete all my tasks. But I am hopeful that if I maintain habits, I will be successful enough to reach my financial goals and pay all my bills, while maintaining my home and my sanity.  If so, I'll be able to relax a little, focus on new social contacts. While I may have many contacts, there's only two people that I count as close friends. It's not easy to keep up friend...

    I need to be more careful. My mind is not as strong as it once was. I have not managed my trust well. I have not prioritized correctly. I can't afford more setbacks. The Holiday season is coming, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage that. I need to maintain focus. I feel like I'm trying to thread the needle with these social situations. I need to manage my expenses better. I've had too many people playing with my mind.      I need to adopt a mantra: stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. I've got to avoid unnecessary distractions, focus on the absolute necessities: work, writing, health. No extra expenses, projects, no getting off course. I know that temptations and diversions will come. I need to keep steady and focused. I keep feeling pulled in different directions. I never thought life could be so complicated.      My work has got to be my everything. It's the only part of this world that is really me. The past r...

I hope I'm going to get through this. 

I'm struggling to get through the days. My body feels like lead. I dont have the energy for the holidays. I wish I could move away. Start over. 

I'm having to pause to rest because I could not finish work yesterday. I became so spacey I could not think straight. I was missing turns and headed for an accident. Not running on time.  Today I started hearing a voice. Hadn't heard it in a while. Unfortunately my mind isn't what it once was.  I'm told that the medication isn't the answer. That I have to go slow. But I only have so much time. If I cant do my work and my writing what is the point? These people around me who dont trust me and dont understand?  I'm very frustrated with the hospital. If I do need help, can I even trust them? Or will they blow things up again? Idk.  I really wish that my life was different. But professional advice is to not expect understanding or major change.  On the plus side, the workers did a great job fixing the floor. And the neighbors took care of the cat, though I know there was some resentment. Not sure what to do about that. They mostly avoid me. Not winning any popularit...

I'm beginning to think I should get out of town. I need a breath of fresh air. Maybe go up to north Carolina, or even Virginia and Pennsylvania. I could visit some civil war sites. I really don't know why I'm here.

It's becoming difficult to maintain work. I'm more spacey. I'm in this balancing act with no clear answers. I have to maintain focus. I dont know if i can trust the Healthcare system. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on a razor blade. As the edge cuts into my shoes I have no choice but to push forward, because oblivion lies on either side.  Headaches, fatigue, even voices... that feeling of unreality, like I'm walking between worlds... an intense wary feeling knowing that communication can be hit or miss.  Focusing on sensations to try to hear what my body and mind are telling me. Dreading every social encounter, unsure of what to expect and waiting for it to pass while filling in words without meaning like filling in a form at an appointment. Is this the miracle of clozaril? Is this what it does? Sometimes I almost miss the drugged, chemically calm feeling... drifting through life like a log in the ocean, sedated and unaware. I worry about the future. I'm runn...