Time and space allows for rekindling When something dies... Sometimes the end of one dream Involves an internal dying A fading into distance... And yet, sometimes people won't let go of something that is dead. They clutch it like Halloween candy, Thinking that if they just hold tightly enough And pretend And make believe that nothing happened, And fill in lies about the past, That maybe, just maybe That damn dream will get up and walk... Like the resurrection. But then time passes. Thier tightly clutched hands press so tightly That they obliterate whats left. What's dead stays dead. And lies, no matter how comforting they may be Fail to change the past. Fail to change the present. Fail, in fact, to kill the very future that may have been instead. Sometimes hate does not heal. Sometimes the contempt passed around like party favors simply poisons what good will remains. It simply is a doubling down That multiplies the disconnect. And people rush to drive each other away And they...
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Sometimes life events give me psychological whiplash. People moving in so many directions. Time and space grant more clarity. The noise fades and nothing remains but those memories. Little glimpses of connections between people, actions, and emotions. The sensation of sleepwalking is replaced by an edge so sharp. Reality seems like a dance of spectors, people moving and chanting. All the right words at all the right times and so long as we're moving in time, the narrative can be selected like multiple choice. But the moment a dancer falls out of step, the mirage melts away.
iRobert
I'm continuing to focus as in as laserlike a fashion as possible on what I am good at. If I can avoid any car accidents or other surprises, I should be ok. I keep looking for chances to increase my efficiency. I've simplified and standardized my days, trying to make everyday as routine and unchanging as possible. This includes not thinking in terms of weekends and weekdays. Everyday is just another day. Same meals, same routes. Same stores. Same food. Same hours. I find it liberating to eliminate chaos. I complete only my planned tasks. I'm still struggling to find enough energy and focus to complete all my tasks. But I am hopeful that if I maintain habits, I will be successful enough to reach my financial goals and pay all my bills, while maintaining my home and my sanity. If so, I'll be able to relax a little, focus on new social contacts. While I may have many contacts, there's only two people that I count as close friends. It's not easy to keep up friend...
I need to be more careful. My mind is not as strong as it once was. I have not managed my trust well. I have not prioritized correctly. I can't afford more setbacks. The Holiday season is coming, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage that. I need to maintain focus. I feel like I'm trying to thread the needle with these social situations. I need to manage my expenses better. I've had too many people playing with my mind. I need to adopt a mantra: stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. I've got to avoid unnecessary distractions, focus on the absolute necessities: work, writing, health. No extra expenses, projects, no getting off course. I know that temptations and diversions will come. I need to keep steady and focused. I keep feeling pulled in different directions. I never thought life could be so complicated. My work has got to be my everything. It's the only part of this world that is really me. The past r...
I'm having to pause to rest because I could not finish work yesterday. I became so spacey I could not think straight. I was missing turns and headed for an accident. Not running on time. Today I started hearing a voice. Hadn't heard it in a while. Unfortunately my mind isn't what it once was. I'm told that the medication isn't the answer. That I have to go slow. But I only have so much time. If I cant do my work and my writing what is the point? These people around me who dont trust me and dont understand? I'm very frustrated with the hospital. If I do need help, can I even trust them? Or will they blow things up again? Idk. I really wish that my life was different. But professional advice is to not expect understanding or major change. On the plus side, the workers did a great job fixing the floor. And the neighbors took care of the cat, though I know there was some resentment. Not sure what to do about that. They mostly avoid me. Not winning any popularit...