I need to be more careful. My mind is not as strong as it once was. I have not managed my trust well. I have not prioritized correctly. I can't afford more setbacks. The Holiday season is coming, and I'm not sure how I'm going to manage that. I need to maintain focus. I feel like I'm trying to thread the needle with these social situations. I need to manage my expenses better. I've had too many people playing with my mind. I need to adopt a mantra: stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. Stick to the basics. I've got to avoid unnecessary distractions, focus on the absolute necessities: work, writing, health. No extra expenses, projects, no getting off course. I know that temptations and diversions will come. I need to keep steady and focused. I keep feeling pulled in different directions. I never thought life could be so complicated. My work has got to be my everything. It's the only part of this world that is really me. The past r...
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I'm having to pause to rest because I could not finish work yesterday. I became so spacey I could not think straight. I was missing turns and headed for an accident. Not running on time. Today I started hearing a voice. Hadn't heard it in a while. Unfortunately my mind isn't what it once was. I'm told that the medication isn't the answer. That I have to go slow. But I only have so much time. If I cant do my work and my writing what is the point? These people around me who dont trust me and dont understand? I'm very frustrated with the hospital. If I do need help, can I even trust them? Or will they blow things up again? Idk. I really wish that my life was different. But professional advice is to not expect understanding or major change. On the plus side, the workers did a great job fixing the floor. And the neighbors took care of the cat, though I know there was some resentment. Not sure what to do about that. They mostly avoid me. Not winning any popularit...
It's becoming difficult to maintain work. I'm more spacey. I'm in this balancing act with no clear answers. I have to maintain focus. I dont know if i can trust the Healthcare system. Sometimes I feel like I'm walking on a razor blade. As the edge cuts into my shoes I have no choice but to push forward, because oblivion lies on either side. Headaches, fatigue, even voices... that feeling of unreality, like I'm walking between worlds... an intense wary feeling knowing that communication can be hit or miss. Focusing on sensations to try to hear what my body and mind are telling me. Dreading every social encounter, unsure of what to expect and waiting for it to pass while filling in words without meaning like filling in a form at an appointment. Is this the miracle of clozaril? Is this what it does? Sometimes I almost miss the drugged, chemically calm feeling... drifting through life like a log in the ocean, sedated and unaware. I worry about the future. I'm runn...
There's so very much going on in the world today. With so much going on and so many differences between all the people in the world, it's not hard to misinterpret or misjudge other people or to inadvertently upset someone. Sometimes when a person focuses on their own life, it seems oblivious or uncaring or self absorbed. I find focusing on the things that I can control is the only thing I really can do. Focusing on my own life, doing my life as best as I can, is really the only thing I can do. Focusing on me helps to avoid unnecessary confrontation or getting in other people's way. If I am doing my own productivity and health as best as I can, then I'm making the world a better place. I find people rather puzzling sometimes. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure them out, sometimes I never figure them out. I know myself better then I know other people, I know what to do in my life better then I know what to do with other people, un...