Darkness Until Dawn

In this day and age, with all the danger in the world, restraint is truly underrated. I hope to keep my peace and my focus. 

    My tennis coach had a saying. It was "Hope is not a strategy". I think my saying would be "Chaos is not a solution."

      The Hospital had that poem about walking down a different street. The new street I'm walking down has this new job and taking those mental vacations from my problems every day. I don't spend time with the same people as much. I focus more on the work and the writing, a little less on people. There's so many things I don't understand, but I need to put that away, realizing that I don't have to understand the entire world. I have to focus on me, maintaining me. I can't expect others to do it. It's not realistic to spend so much of my time and energy on the world around me... I need to stay focused on maintaining myself. I can't control what others believe or what they do. I can only control what I believe and do. I must focus on what I am good at and maintaining myself. Let the world do what it will, as it always does.      Today I have my usual deliveries. I'm trying to keep every day the same. The same food, the same recharge activities, the sa...

Greedily, you demanded so many Not just the number, but the type Now, be satisfied with what you stole. Do not ask for more You will have none. Keep my silence Allow me that peace.  So remorseless I renounce your narratives And declare us strangers once more.

Sometimes, I wish I had the energy, money, time, or talent to care or to change the world around me. I see or hear things in the news, social media, or conversation. I know that I am mortal, and I do not have those excess resources. If I do not keep myself focused on the most essential tasks, no one can do it for me, they might even deliberately sabotage me. They might help, but they can't do it for me. I need all my focus and energy on point at all times. That is what allows me to be productive, calm, and safe.  But if I keep focused, I might be able to do more. I can't rush that. My impatience is one of my greatest weaknesses. Slow and steady, with everything, even if I have to fight my family, even if I have to fight the hospital, even if I have to fight every last man and woman in Greenville. There is only one way. Slow and steady, focused. That is how I will reach my goals. God willing, no one will stand in my way. I am mortal. And damn stubborn when I need to be. I need t...

    It's a tremendous relief to have a more realistic and clear direction for Accountec and for myself, even if it has very little to do with accounting or technology. It will require continued vigilance and focus. When my mind is clearer I do everything better. Sometimes I feel slightly self absorbed focusing so rigidly, but immediately I remember the difference between now and March, and I know I'm on the right path. Continued focus will allow me to improve timeliness and accuracy at work, to complete more writing, to feel more calm, and to improve my finances. There's little to no room for error, because I can't risk homelessness or more hospitalizations or unemployment or more dysregulation and chaos. I'm too tired, too unpopular, too poor. There's simply not enough wiggle room.      While I'm not delivering, I'm mostly reading. I'm finding that I don't actually like Gone with the Wind very much thus far. I prefer Cold Mountain. I think a lot...

Writing feels exciting to me. I figured out the climax for the civil war story. It's fun when the characters feel alive. The climax is shortly after the burning of Chambersville when a group of confederates argue over a woman and a black man they capture in MD. War exhaustion has fully set in and discipline has collapsed as the war effort crumbles and suddenly its every man for himself in enemy territory when the situation turns deadly between two west virginians, some virginians, and the south carolinians.