Darkness Until Dawn

Greedily, you demanded so many Not just the number, but the type Now, be satisfied with what you stole. Do not ask for more You will have none. Keep my silence Allow me that peace.  So remorseless I renounce your narratives And declare us strangers once more.

Sometimes, I wish I had the energy, money, time, or talent to care or to change the world around me. I see or hear things in the news, social media, or conversation. I know that I am mortal, and I do not have those excess resources. If I do not keep myself focused on the most essential tasks, no one can do it for me, they might even deliberately sabotage me. They might help, but they can't do it for me. I need all my focus and energy on point at all times. That is what allows me to be productive, calm, and safe.  But if I keep focused, I might be able to do more. I can't rush that. My impatience is one of my greatest weaknesses. Slow and steady, with everything, even if I have to fight my family, even if I have to fight the hospital, even if I have to fight every last man and woman in Greenville. There is only one way. Slow and steady, focused. That is how I will reach my goals. God willing, no one will stand in my way. I am mortal. And damn stubborn when I need to be. I need t...

    It's a tremendous relief to have a more realistic and clear direction for Accountec and for myself, even if it has very little to do with accounting or technology. It will require continued vigilance and focus. When my mind is clearer I do everything better. Sometimes I feel slightly self absorbed focusing so rigidly, but immediately I remember the difference between now and March, and I know I'm on the right path. Continued focus will allow me to improve timeliness and accuracy at work, to complete more writing, to feel more calm, and to improve my finances. There's little to no room for error, because I can't risk homelessness or more hospitalizations or unemployment or more dysregulation and chaos. I'm too tired, too unpopular, too poor. There's simply not enough wiggle room.      While I'm not delivering, I'm mostly reading. I'm finding that I don't actually like Gone with the Wind very much thus far. I prefer Cold Mountain. I think a lot...

Writing feels exciting to me. I figured out the climax for the civil war story. It's fun when the characters feel alive. The climax is shortly after the burning of Chambersville when a group of confederates argue over a woman and a black man they capture in MD. War exhaustion has fully set in and discipline has collapsed as the war effort crumbles and suddenly its every man for himself in enemy territory when the situation turns deadly between two west virginians, some virginians, and the south carolinians. 

    I'm well aware that people have a hard time believing anything I say, particularly what I'm about to say, but the fact is that I have had a hard time and I need to focus on something productive, something worthwhile. Given my skills and deficiencies, writing this story about Greenville seems like one of the better options.       I'm reading Gone with the Wind and Cold Mountain concurrently and then I hope to read The Black Flower. Life is too short to waste time on arguing with people about what I need or to work at cross purposes or to idle everything away. I need something REAL, like this delivery work and the writing. So long as I'm minding the law and paying my bills, there's really no one that can stop me from doing just that.       I need people to stay out of my way . I'm rather exhausted of knowitalls, busybodies, bullies and other energy vampires. It's not that I enjoy being blunt. But as I explained to the doctors, and they...

    My thoughts revolve around the work and my writing. I feel I have wasted so much energy and time in unproductive pursuits and have become so conscious of my mortality that I am obsessed with what I produce and impatient with the process. I debate over key creative decisions and brainstorm on characters and plot almost incessantly when I'm not working, but it's a relief to be focused on work and writing rather then health and hospitals.      I think a lot about how to deal with key aspects of this Civil War story, especially slavery and societal attitudes of the time. I want to be realistic but not boring. I think I'll need to read Uncle Tom's Cabin. If I'm going to finish this project, I'm going to need to exercise my patience. Learning enough detail of the events, the culture, the dialects, the people and generating the story will all take time. 

The fact is I write for the joy of creation. Any additional benefit is a side effect... a welcome side effect, but a side effect. I am well aware that I have displeased some people, which is one of the reasons I must focus on my strengths to the exclusion of distractions. I do not have the energy nor desire to engage in failure, and I fear I have wasted too much time already... health, work, writing... that must be my trinity. It's like I explained to the doctors... Its in everyone's best interest that I am home, healthy, and productive. The best person to ensure that is myself, so I must give it my full focus. If I work hard, I might finish my writing. That is my greatest desire.