Darkness Until Dawn

Writing feels exciting to me. I figured out the climax for the civil war story. It's fun when the characters feel alive. The climax is shortly after the burning of Chambersville when a group of confederates argue over a woman and a black man they capture in MD. War exhaustion has fully set in and discipline has collapsed as the war effort crumbles and suddenly its every man for himself in enemy territory when the situation turns deadly between two west virginians, some virginians, and the south carolinians. 

    I'm well aware that people have a hard time believing anything I say, particularly what I'm about to say, but the fact is that I have had a hard time and I need to focus on something productive, something worthwhile. Given my skills and deficiencies, writing this story about Greenville seems like one of the better options.       I'm reading Gone with the Wind and Cold Mountain concurrently and then I hope to read The Black Flower. Life is too short to waste time on arguing with people about what I need or to work at cross purposes or to idle everything away. I need something REAL, like this delivery work and the writing. So long as I'm minding the law and paying my bills, there's really no one that can stop me from doing just that.       I need people to stay out of my way . I'm rather exhausted of knowitalls, busybodies, bullies and other energy vampires. It's not that I enjoy being blunt. But as I explained to the doctors, and they...

    My thoughts revolve around the work and my writing. I feel I have wasted so much energy and time in unproductive pursuits and have become so conscious of my mortality that I am obsessed with what I produce and impatient with the process. I debate over key creative decisions and brainstorm on characters and plot almost incessantly when I'm not working, but it's a relief to be focused on work and writing rather then health and hospitals.      I think a lot about how to deal with key aspects of this Civil War story, especially slavery and societal attitudes of the time. I want to be realistic but not boring. I think I'll need to read Uncle Tom's Cabin. If I'm going to finish this project, I'm going to need to exercise my patience. Learning enough detail of the events, the culture, the dialects, the people and generating the story will all take time. 

The fact is I write for the joy of creation. Any additional benefit is a side effect... a welcome side effect, but a side effect. I am well aware that I have displeased some people, which is one of the reasons I must focus on my strengths to the exclusion of distractions. I do not have the energy nor desire to engage in failure, and I fear I have wasted too much time already... health, work, writing... that must be my trinity. It's like I explained to the doctors... Its in everyone's best interest that I am home, healthy, and productive. The best person to ensure that is myself, so I must give it my full focus. If I work hard, I might finish my writing. That is my greatest desire.

     Working later in the day is taking some adjustment. I've been more of a day worker. Good news is that my ads finally got approved. Bad news is I'm having trouble configuring them. I think I'm going to have to shift my sleep schedule to stay up later. I've been thinking a lot about ideas for my civil war story. It takes some time to brainstorm, organize the ideas, relate them to the 1860s, and then compare them to specific historical events and people. I can tell that the way that I want to do this, it's a big project. I haven't even worked out all the main characters. As I have done more research and considered my options, I've realized I'm going to want to take some significant creative liberties.     Today I drove mostly in the lower end of the county. I visited Gray Court. I saw different parts of the old Greenville Laurens Railroad. 

    You know, I really wasn't expecting to say this, but my affairs may have taken a turn. I wasn't really expecting much understanding after March, in fact my advice was universally to not expect understanding, though different people gave different reasons for that. I have to admit, somewhere between my heart doing jumping jacks, being threatened with jail, nearly becoming homeless, contacting the fbi, and becoming a hermit, I became concerned for my safety and wellbeing, perhaps excessively so. Maybe I'm not the only one that got tired of the chaos and failures to communicate, because there seems to have been a change in tone. The hospital and I have had a few heart to hearts via mychart. At times I was a bit blunt. I needed to be sure I was being clear this time. The ER psych had a diplomatic way of describing my communications, "emotionally charged".       I remember the PA's reaction to my March hospitalization. After the appointment ended he looked a...

I am dividing my attentions between deliveries, further civil war research, and exploring plot and character ideas. The cooler weather is good for my temperament, though I vary from my frustration to my anxiety and back. I continue to research ways to improve my work practices. If work goes well, I'd like to consider leasing a vehicle with better safety and mileage for the business. But I have milestones to reach first.