Darkness Until Dawn

The fact is I write for the joy of creation. Any additional benefit is a side effect... a welcome side effect, but a side effect. I am well aware that I have displeased some people, which is one of the reasons I must focus on my strengths to the exclusion of distractions. I do not have the energy nor desire to engage in failure, and I fear I have wasted too much time already... health, work, writing... that must be my trinity. It's like I explained to the doctors... Its in everyone's best interest that I am home, healthy, and productive. The best person to ensure that is myself, so I must give it my full focus. If I work hard, I might finish my writing. That is my greatest desire.

     Working later in the day is taking some adjustment. I've been more of a day worker. Good news is that my ads finally got approved. Bad news is I'm having trouble configuring them. I think I'm going to have to shift my sleep schedule to stay up later. I've been thinking a lot about ideas for my civil war story. It takes some time to brainstorm, organize the ideas, relate them to the 1860s, and then compare them to specific historical events and people. I can tell that the way that I want to do this, it's a big project. I haven't even worked out all the main characters. As I have done more research and considered my options, I've realized I'm going to want to take some significant creative liberties.     Today I drove mostly in the lower end of the county. I visited Gray Court. I saw different parts of the old Greenville Laurens Railroad. 

    You know, I really wasn't expecting to say this, but my affairs may have taken a turn. I wasn't really expecting much understanding after March, in fact my advice was universally to not expect understanding, though different people gave different reasons for that. I have to admit, somewhere between my heart doing jumping jacks, being threatened with jail, nearly becoming homeless, contacting the fbi, and becoming a hermit, I became concerned for my safety and wellbeing, perhaps excessively so. Maybe I'm not the only one that got tired of the chaos and failures to communicate, because there seems to have been a change in tone. The hospital and I have had a few heart to hearts via mychart. At times I was a bit blunt. I needed to be sure I was being clear this time. The ER psych had a diplomatic way of describing my communications, "emotionally charged".       I remember the PA's reaction to my March hospitalization. After the appointment ended he looked a...

I am dividing my attentions between deliveries, further civil war research, and exploring plot and character ideas. The cooler weather is good for my temperament, though I vary from my frustration to my anxiety and back. I continue to research ways to improve my work practices. If work goes well, I'd like to consider leasing a vehicle with better safety and mileage for the business. But I have milestones to reach first.

    I know some people have been wondering what is going on with me. The best answer I have is the only answer I can truly give: don't ask. Seriously. It really is better that I don't try to explain. For multiple reasons, it's in the best interest of everyone that I don't say anything. I have tried. Nothing good has come of it. There are reasons I have gone mostly MIA for a very long time. What I can say is if you have any sense, you won't ask. Certainly no one is obligated to humor me, but as far as I know, I am not obligated to talk to anyone. Some people have learned to leave well enough alone alone. I do appreciate that.      Today, my phone died while I was working. Some of the apps I use for the deliveries use a lot of power. I'm starting to get the hang of it though.     I'm putting all my energy into maintaining focus. I don't have to wonder whether people understand, I know for a fact that they do not. They have proven so time after time. I'...

I'm exploring my options for delivery partners. Writing is taking a back seat as I acclimate to the business. 

    Yesterday, my schedule took me to Traveler's Rest and Easley. The driving keeps my mind busy. I still think about problems and I still struggle, but it's that rhythm of driving that is calming. It's regular and structured. Of course, sometimes traffic gets stressful. Or finding parking. Sometimes there's construction. At night, I get just a little nervous around isolated areas, but I've not felt in danger. Customers almost always prefer no contact, which suits me just fine. I divided today into 3 shifts. I'm going to try to write some today. I need to start back into an exercise routine. Doing daily stretches and movement exercises is important when you spend so much time driving.