Darkness Until Dawn

    I know some people have been wondering what is going on with me. The best answer I have is the only answer I can truly give: don't ask. Seriously. It really is better that I don't try to explain. For multiple reasons, it's in the best interest of everyone that I don't say anything. I have tried. Nothing good has come of it. There are reasons I have gone mostly MIA for a very long time. What I can say is if you have any sense, you won't ask. Certainly no one is obligated to humor me, but as far as I know, I am not obligated to talk to anyone. Some people have learned to leave well enough alone alone. I do appreciate that.      Today, my phone died while I was working. Some of the apps I use for the deliveries use a lot of power. I'm starting to get the hang of it though.     I'm putting all my energy into maintaining focus. I don't have to wonder whether people understand, I know for a fact that they do not. They have proven so time after time. I'...

I'm exploring my options for delivery partners. Writing is taking a back seat as I acclimate to the business. 

    Yesterday, my schedule took me to Traveler's Rest and Easley. The driving keeps my mind busy. I still think about problems and I still struggle, but it's that rhythm of driving that is calming. It's regular and structured. Of course, sometimes traffic gets stressful. Or finding parking. Sometimes there's construction. At night, I get just a little nervous around isolated areas, but I've not felt in danger. Customers almost always prefer no contact, which suits me just fine. I divided today into 3 shifts. I'm going to try to write some today. I need to start back into an exercise routine. Doing daily stretches and movement exercises is important when you spend so much time driving. 

    I worry about the future. I see hope in this business. It's something REAL, something reliable and simple. Something I can do well. It's not circular conversations or arguments. It gives me some productive potential beyond my writing. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I need to be very careful. I've made so much progress on my physical health. Trust is a risk.      I've scheduled daily delivery shifts to keep me on track. But this anxiety makes me feel trapped sometimes. It's rather urgent that I avoid the unexpected. I need to be like a clock... regular, predictable. I need to be like the planets, with my work as the sun. It is only a rigid and unbending focus that can deter unexpected events.      Doing deliveries helps me to become more familiar with the area roads. There's solace in the rhythm of the road. Whatever time I have left, I need to be careful in managing it. There is little to nothing to protect me if trouble finds me. ...

     Difficult memories are fading as time passes. I want to be very cautious moving forward. I remind myself everyday to focus on the basics and to be careful how I spend my time and with whom. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I can't afford to entertain ignorance nor waste time arguing with the deaf. I need the peace of solitude until I find people who are able to see me for who I am and appreciate that person, not attack him nor slander him behind his back. I am putting away my medical misadventures.

    The Business is starting up well. I'm pleased. I want to focus very closely on the business and continue to avoid distractions. This is my chance to add value. To be productive again. Between the business and my writing, I have a direction and I can worry less. 

This is why I need a simple life. I'm not even sure why today has been difficult. I need to stick to a simple routine. As few distractions as possible. Just the essentials. Anyone who doesn't hear from me, I wish well in my absence.