Darkness Until Dawn

    I worry about the future. I see hope in this business. It's something REAL, something reliable and simple. Something I can do well. It's not circular conversations or arguments. It gives me some productive potential beyond my writing. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I need to be very careful. I've made so much progress on my physical health. Trust is a risk.      I've scheduled daily delivery shifts to keep me on track. But this anxiety makes me feel trapped sometimes. It's rather urgent that I avoid the unexpected. I need to be like a clock... regular, predictable. I need to be like the planets, with my work as the sun. It is only a rigid and unbending focus that can deter unexpected events.      Doing deliveries helps me to become more familiar with the area roads. There's solace in the rhythm of the road. Whatever time I have left, I need to be careful in managing it. There is little to nothing to protect me if trouble finds me. ...

     Difficult memories are fading as time passes. I want to be very cautious moving forward. I remind myself everyday to focus on the basics and to be careful how I spend my time and with whom. I'm not as resilient as I used to be. I can't afford to entertain ignorance nor waste time arguing with the deaf. I need the peace of solitude until I find people who are able to see me for who I am and appreciate that person, not attack him nor slander him behind his back. I am putting away my medical misadventures.

    The Business is starting up well. I'm pleased. I want to focus very closely on the business and continue to avoid distractions. This is my chance to add value. To be productive again. Between the business and my writing, I have a direction and I can worry less. 

This is why I need a simple life. I'm not even sure why today has been difficult. I need to stick to a simple routine. As few distractions as possible. Just the essentials. Anyone who doesn't hear from me, I wish well in my absence. 

I calmed for a bit this morning and then the anxiety came back. I feel on edge. I think its because i started leaving the house more often.i need to focus. I just know something is going to happen. And I cant get distracted from doing my deliveries. I finally got them started. 

     I had this dream a couple of years ago, I was in this building and a lot of people I knew were in the building too. But they couldn't see or hear me. And the doctor said it was about being separated from people. I do feel separated. There's this distance between me and them. It's gotten wider and wider. Sometimes it feels like they died and strangers took their places. It feels very ominous. Walking around this way.

Sometimes I get these anxiety attacks... I used to get them in high school. Feeling like I need to run. Ive had them less until rather recently, about 2 years ago, they started coming back.