Darkness Until Dawn

     What worries me the most is that I have struggled so much to communicate with people, and I don't seem to be getting more effective at it. That's why I feel certain I need to simplify my life. I need a more manageable life. I honestly am not sure how I can be such a bad communicator. Maybe I leave too much unsaid. That's part of why I want to focus on written communication. So I can see what I'm saying as I say it.     I really need to focus on the essentials. My income, writing, and health. I can't afford to lose focus. I've had far too much chaos in my life. I need simplicity. Basics. I just don't think I have the emotional bandwidth for more complication or distraction. Maybe that really is my big take home lesson for this whole saga. I need a simple life. People so often try to me into various things but with my memory like it is I can't afford to play around.     It's not my desire for anyone to have trouble, including myself. A simple life...

I keep getting this nagging feeling that something bad might happen. I want to be extremely cautious. I cant afford any setbacks. I dont think Ive been being vigilant enough. I'm going to simplify my life more. I want to focus on only the absolute essentials: work, writing, health.

I need to focus on improving my finances. I've scheduled more delivery shifts.

     I worry tremendously about being around people. I know I misinterpret people frequently, including people I know well. That's part of why I need to focus on what I'm good at... writing and working alone. Conflict seems inevitable. I need to stay away from potential conflict. I get so spacey.

I've been discouraged by social anxiety and agoraphobia. It doesn't prevent me from working because I'm mostly in my car. I feel a profound uneasiness around people. 

     I started doing deliveries yesterday after obtaining glasses. Accountec is fully operational. I just don't think it will be able to do the accounting work given my social skills. Plus there's liability concerns. I desire a quieter life.      Meanwhile, I continue to fill in plot elements for my Bloody Fourth story. I need to refresh myself on civil war culture a bit more, as well as a few key battles. As I write some of the prose, I'm becoming aware that I'll need to study the dialect of the time. I found it interesting that Lee was said to be a poor communicator. One source said he did not speak English, he spoke "Southern Gentleman". It was a slightly rambling speech with a lot of pauses and implied content. His subordinates were forced to fill in necessary details. There's so much detail of plot and character that I will have to generate almost from thin air, because the sources I have discovered thus far are pretty thin on the specific people and ...

    Patience is not always my strong suit. I need to engage my patience more. I always knew I wasn't the greatest communicator, but I have been working on communication. Part of that is to eliminate unnecessary or ineffective communication. Sometimes with speaking, less is more. I'm trying to be more strategic with questions, by asking more questions and more open ended questions to stimulate conversation when appropriate or withhold questions when the time is not right. I've also experimented with direct vs indirect communication and written vs oral. I'm trying to choose words and gestures carefully.      I want to spend more time being productive and genuine and less time managing miscommunications, expectations, and distractions. I lose patience with formalities, games, and narratives. I'm getting to an age where I feel like I can't afford to waste time. I want to be productive. I need to focus on my strengths, which is why I have chosen to focus on a deliver...