Darkness Until Dawn

    Patience is not always my strong suit. I need to engage my patience more. I always knew I wasn't the greatest communicator, but I have been working on communication. Part of that is to eliminate unnecessary or ineffective communication. Sometimes with speaking, less is more. I'm trying to be more strategic with questions, by asking more questions and more open ended questions to stimulate conversation when appropriate or withhold questions when the time is not right. I've also experimented with direct vs indirect communication and written vs oral. I'm trying to choose words and gestures carefully.      I want to spend more time being productive and genuine and less time managing miscommunications, expectations, and distractions. I lose patience with formalities, games, and narratives. I'm getting to an age where I feel like I can't afford to waste time. I want to be productive. I need to focus on my strengths, which is why I have chosen to focus on a deliver...

    Now I must focus intently upon my goals and follow my passions. I do not want to be distracted from my goals. There is only so much time on this earth. I want something to leave behind.

     Time and space allows for a sense of hope and serenity. A healthy diet, some quiet, and keeping some distance all continue to bear fruit. I'm a little nervous about the holidays coming up and my plan to start driving more. But life has been almost peaceful, almost harmonious at times. God willing, I can maintain this stability and peace for the rest of the year. I think that's a good goal: no surprises, no new projects, maintaining routine. I plan to keep focus on my essentials, keep space and privacy, and enhance my peace. A predictable life does not have to be boring; it can be a tremendous relief.

    I'm shifting my focus to studying other elements of society such as medical treatment and commerce. Greenville eventually attained the nickname of textile capital of the world, but it wasn't until after the war that the textile industry really took off. The practice of medicine was still fairly primitive, with a greater understanding of bodily functions then an actual ability to heal the illnesses observed. Leeching and bloodletting was still an accepted practice, though it had slowly died out by the end of the century. I'm beginning to look more closely at institutions, including the colleges.

It's very important to me that I focus on getting some work done and researching these writing projects. It helps me keep my mind off the medical and my personal problems. I'm dreading the holidays. Social nightmare. Isolation has really helped calm my spirit. That thing with the house flooding makes me nervous about being away. I need to be very careful. I don't handle stress the same anymore. No one lives forever. I need to focus my energy on completing some life goals. Before its too late. I cant waste more time. Ive wasted enough. Life's too short for going through motions. I still have to play along, but really I'm going to need to simply say it how it is sometimes. Never was a social butterfly. Can't expect that to change now.

Memories and emotions can be intense. That's why I like to keep some space between me and other people. I need to be careful with memories. Very careful. A mind can play tricks on you, like a bad dream. 

    I had a lot of memories come up today. It's better that I don't discuss certain memories. Some things... it's better for everyone that certain things are not discussed. Sometimes the past can stir up resentments, fear, or sorrow. There are some days that sleep is my only real escape. Sometimes, there is no solution.