Darkness Until Dawn

    Now I must focus intently upon my goals and follow my passions. I do not want to be distracted from my goals. There is only so much time on this earth. I want something to leave behind.

     Time and space allows for a sense of hope and serenity. A healthy diet, some quiet, and keeping some distance all continue to bear fruit. I'm a little nervous about the holidays coming up and my plan to start driving more. But life has been almost peaceful, almost harmonious at times. God willing, I can maintain this stability and peace for the rest of the year. I think that's a good goal: no surprises, no new projects, maintaining routine. I plan to keep focus on my essentials, keep space and privacy, and enhance my peace. A predictable life does not have to be boring; it can be a tremendous relief.

    I'm shifting my focus to studying other elements of society such as medical treatment and commerce. Greenville eventually attained the nickname of textile capital of the world, but it wasn't until after the war that the textile industry really took off. The practice of medicine was still fairly primitive, with a greater understanding of bodily functions then an actual ability to heal the illnesses observed. Leeching and bloodletting was still an accepted practice, though it had slowly died out by the end of the century. I'm beginning to look more closely at institutions, including the colleges.

It's very important to me that I focus on getting some work done and researching these writing projects. It helps me keep my mind off the medical and my personal problems. I'm dreading the holidays. Social nightmare. Isolation has really helped calm my spirit. That thing with the house flooding makes me nervous about being away. I need to be very careful. I don't handle stress the same anymore. No one lives forever. I need to focus my energy on completing some life goals. Before its too late. I cant waste more time. Ive wasted enough. Life's too short for going through motions. I still have to play along, but really I'm going to need to simply say it how it is sometimes. Never was a social butterfly. Can't expect that to change now.

Memories and emotions can be intense. That's why I like to keep some space between me and other people. I need to be careful with memories. Very careful. A mind can play tricks on you, like a bad dream. 

    I had a lot of memories come up today. It's better that I don't discuss certain memories. Some things... it's better for everyone that certain things are not discussed. Sometimes the past can stir up resentments, fear, or sorrow. There are some days that sleep is my only real escape. Sometimes, there is no solution. 

    Honor was very important in the old South. I want this story to give a realistic picture of South Carolina in the 1860s. That's why I'm spending this time on research. It's not about proving anything. People I know have already made up their minds about me. I've tried many times in my life to impress people. I've had some spectacular failures. I'm not trying to prove anything about me. That's a fool's errand. There's people I know that think they have me all figured out. The hospital, for starters. Sometimes I still try to prove the hospital wrong, but a lot of people I gave up. I can't hold onto the past. I can't relitigate and play out the same old narratives, the same old arguments, the same old appearances. I could do that from now until the end of time, it would make no difference but make me miserable. I try to keep my distance. I don't have the energy for that kind of thing.      It took me a while to realize that I can't c...