Darkness Until Dawn

 

Actions committed in the blindest of ignorance Facts inconvenient, truth intermittent. Protestations overwritten, narratives formed without contrition As history becomes a lie. Heroes are minted and pasts are erased, As no one cries for the wrongs now replaced, And as they rise up to claim their new jewels, the Chosen eagerly climb onto the shoulders of fools... Drama contrived and plots newly written, With murderous emotions, the witnesses smitten screaming for the heads of false demons from the past And eager for a villain to sacrifice at last Deaf to the voices of reason and caution Charging forth to the point of exhaustion Their mania for the blood of the token guilty Will erase all the past and complete the new history Confusion resolved with self-justifications Hardened ears, deaf to exonerations Determination and volume the measure of justice Reinforcing the story lest the truth should resist. Echoes of lies resound through the air Till nothing remains of the truth that was ther...

     It seems part time work is not that easy to find. I'm going to try to broaden my search a bit. I'm moving from Accounting to retail more. 

I do feel different since discontinuing Clozaril. I feel more emotional. I feel less armored.

Some of my doctors will practically commit hara kiri if I suggest I don't have bipolar. Which is exactly what Prichards did. At least he had the sense to understand that trust had been broken. Some people don't like autism or believe in DID. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about that. What I can do is educate my doctors. For example, one ER psychiatrist said that Bipolar is "one of THE MOST OVERDIAGNOSED things in the book." Ive been in these hospitals and centers and I'm convinced the man is absolutely correct. There's plenty of bipolar labelees. It's just that the whole point of these labels is to help people. If the patterns fit, the meds help, the education helps, then great. If it doesn't, then its time to move on. All of the meds I'm on help other disorders. Mood Stabilizers NEVER worked. Not from day one. It's time to move on. 

I feel that what I grew up doing is not sustainable. I've been pushing the medication and the science too hard and now it's come full circle. I need to be deliberate, not repeat failed strategies. The medication helps, but I need to go slow, reduce expenses, not take on more and more. It's clear to me that pushing the limits of medicine has reached its limits. Reducing consumption and holding steady is going to have to be my goal. I don't want to be bitter or demanding. I want to appreciate the small things. 

I got all my meds approved and filled. I'm focusing a little better. The cat's doing well.