Darkness Until Dawn

 Some of the things that people hate about me are some of the things i like the most. I like to avoid large social gatherings with the formalities, fakeness, the schedules and the shows. I like the substance beneath it all. They said when in Rome do as the Romans do. But that phrase leaves out the obvious: Rome fell. Societies come and go. Tying your horse to a group of people is only worthwhile in that it serves a purpose. 

I honestly would have liked clozaril to have been "the answer" for me. It might have saved me some heartache and grief. But experience and feedback tell me otherwise. Sometimes medicine isn't that simple. Sometimes a medication that appears to be a fit at one time does not in fact resolve problems at another point in time. I liked the idea of having a formula for my life. It was a beautiful idea. 

    I dunno, I get the feeling that I'm a little bit short on serenity. I don't know if I strike people as being laid back, but I'm not. I get frustrated. I've felt so driven. I get the urge to rub pennies together as if they might start a chain reaction and multiply.      Very strange, the world. Very strange. My life is seriously not as exciting as most people seem to think. Like because my parents had a fancy house I have it made. I do not. Not even close. I have to ask questions too. Questions like, will I be able to pay for food? Will I have a home? Will i have a job? I have to ask questions like that. And thats not actually a new thing. God forbid social security does decide to cut disability, then I'm well and truly fucked. It's really funny unless it's your life. Unless you're the one wondering if you'll have a home. Unless you're the one wondering if you'll be able to eat. Then it stops being funny. It doesn't seem like the peopl...

     I was wandering through the untethered confusion of the aftermath of 2022 as best I could (which, some would say, was not well at all), when I landed in that ER after the Spravato treatment. What a jolt that was. I have not felt safe since then, but I'm able to sleep now. This is part of how the contractor convinced me to buy the security system for the home that I live in. I had never felt the need for security before. It's always been one of the safest neighborhoods. Now I arm the security sometimes 24/7. Another bill to pay. My sense of certainty has diminished drastically. I doubt what I know. The doubt what I've done. It hasn't even been that eventful, I didn't think. I didn't think I was important enough to be noticed. I felt like it took a lot of nerve to go back to that ER. It did feel a bit surreal and mechanical. I learned a bit about power dynamics that month. I learned what happens when you attract the wrong attention. Maybe it was silly of me t...

Closer the walls and harder the task Alone again, I scream at the glass Closing in, the mocking faces Here I am, in the same old places... Running faster than I can think Making choices between every blink Into the fear and righteous anger I'm from one into another danger Where do I go when the last castle falls? Where do I go when the goaler calls? Where did I come from that I came to here? What do I do when I'm lost in my fear?

     I'm reminded of the old saying, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.       For me, that means going back to the same people, the same career paths, the same medication, expecting different results. It doesn't matter which drugs I try; I've tried so many. It doesn't matter which way I word the same things to the same people; they're still going to act the same regardless, it doesn't matter how I repackage my accounting and technology services, that ship has sailed.       I can't keep jamming a square peg in a round hole. My auditory communication is not great. It never has been. And it's gotten worse with the VNS. Some people don't like to communicate in writing. That became an issue in 2020 especially. It still is.       That's why my counseling is so important. It really helps with communication and executive skills. The Psychiatrists have made up the...

    Well, I guess I never learn. But these criminals think of everything. It starts with harassment. A bogus offer. Before you know it you're being threatened. At the end, you're out the money, stressed and humiliated. This is how social media scams work.      This one came from a tiktok account claiming to be associated with Stoll, Keenon, Ogden, PLLC. from Lexington, KY. Claiming to be an artist. The Scam was for $400.      Here's how it worked:     She contacted me out of the blue claiming to be interested in a photo of mine. She was an artist, she said, and wanted to make a painting of the photo. All she needed was my permission to use the photo.          Yeah, right. A long and very intense back and forth later, she had repeated threatened to call the police on me for cashing the check and refusing to follow her increasingly bizarre and aggressive instructions to send money to other people. At the end i sent...