Darkness Until Dawn

Canyons and valleys I can't reach you out there With all the space between Maybe life is suffering But I thought there was more. I've seen it here and there Those other things I mentioned It never lasts too long And then I'm back again.  I have to go away In order to come back I have to find a way To find all that I lack. Come find me in-between  I'll save a place for you We'll write our own brave story And finally make it true.

    People tell me that I look younger than I actually am sometimes. Growing up, I was an idealist. I did have confidence, outwardly at least. I come to realize in this dispute of mine over diagnoses that, regardless of the details, medication can only do so much. It's been quite a distraction, trying to understand what exactly the different medications are doing and what they aren't doing.      When I got diagnosed with the DID thing, I thought it was a chance to reinvent myself, to improve my life, but it hasn't quite turned out that way. Instead, I find myself brushing up against barriers that I was either unaware of or was trying to ignore. Ironically, I passed the CPA exam but it expired a good long while ago. I'm feeling my age in moving slower, responding slower, not having the same endurance. I have to be realistic. I don't know who I thought I was. But it's become clear I've been expecting too much from medication.       I feel like ...

Dear Readers,     I truly lack the ability to fully grasp the how's and why's of the past 28 years. But as the days go by and I see the effects of it all, it leads me to doubt the future. I feel the need, for my own wellbeing and safety, to step back more. I'm not honestly sure at this point where my confidence came from. Was it youth? Was it the medications? I don't feel that confidence anymore. I don't feel as durable.       I've expressed parts of me that I had kept more hidden, here for the world to see. Honestly, I was worried I was running out of time. I was worried that something might happen. Instead, it's been more of a slow sinking feeling. Seeing the contrast between the world as I see it, my internal world, and the world out there has been jarring. I'm tired of arguing with doctors. As much as I'd like to be right about myself, I'm tired of arguing. I'd hate to be like the NYC shooter guy and be like, study my brain after I die an...

    I wanted to review again the progression of my mental health from the 1990s to 2025. It's pretty clear to me now that the truth is that Bipolar is not real for me. Misdiagnosis and medical goobledy-gook dressed up to cover up poorly misunderstood Autism that was in fact diagnosed (As Aspergers) in the 1990s and then continuously overlooked and misinterpreted. I think the interpretation that I am paranoid or my self-diagnosis of FDIA is rather a symptom of all the misinterpretation that has happened. This is why I insist on Autism being the primary diagnosis: It is the one diagnosis that unambiguously has shown up for decades and consistently caused me problems. It is the clearest description of my symptoms, and in combination with some ADHD, can clearly explain my struggle.      What really tipped the scales for me was finding out that the same medications often prescribed for Bipolar mania also treat Autism spectrum symptoms. They were treating the symptoms...

    I feel that when I was growing up, fake it till you make it seemed like a winning strategy. It seemed accepted. These days, some of the cracks in that philosophy seem more obvious. I feel like I hear more people talking about the importance of being genuine.      Fake it till you make it is most associated with a salesman known as Glenn W. Turner and is different from the psychological concept known as "acting as if" in that acting as if means to emulate qualities that you don't actually have such as confidence, but fake it till you make it is a philosophy that encourages dishonesty in social interactions in order to project a certain lifestyle or talent that isn't actually there. Presenting yourself as a great investor while hiding losses would be an example of fake it until you make it. Presenting yourself as confident while being honest about your performance would be acting as if.      Fake it till you make it goes hand in hand with Ableis...

    The question I come to in mental health these days is: what is realistic? Is it realistic to push the doctors and the medications so hard that my doctors quit and the meds cause ER visits? Is that realistic? I said this because I can't be the only frustrated one. I think that I've pushed the limits of psychiatry pretty well, from the feedback I've gotten.      So what is realistic? What is realistic with autism-adhd plus whatever you want to call whatever the rest of it might be? I'm trying to find out. Realistically, my job is to do what I am able, no less and no more, just like anyone else I suppose.       I feel I've attracted so much controversy that it blows my mind how much controversy there is. I almost want to get retested just so they can verify that yes, facts are facts. Autism is real. ADHD is real. The rest of it is... whatever the rest of it is. I'm not going to argue.       I'm just so tired of people bei...

Dear Psychiatry,     The 90s are over. It's time to move into the 21st century. To that end, I would like to summarize and reiterate a few key points. Autism is very real and affects about 2.8% of the population, including me. ADHD is very real, and affects about 11.8% of kids and 4.4% of adults, including me. HIPPA is very real and is important for keeping medical records valid and useful. Without reliable medical records, we cannot take good care of the population. It's important that patients are able to have trust in their providers.      I am guilty of relying strongly on medication. This is not the same thing as drug addiction. I have at times expected too much of medication. Medication can be very dangerous. I hope to take mine safely and privately.      I do not know what the future holds, but I need it to look different from the past. It is not my responsibility to educate the world on how medication can be safely used or misused. It is n...