Darkness Until Dawn

The more I review the past the more I question what I know. I think it's important to be realistic in life. Autism isn't a death sentence, but does come with definite and rather permanent differences... Differences in communication, perception, and comprehension. I need to focus more. Accounting will never be what I wanted it to be. I don't have the mental integration and the capacity. I can't keep chasing shadows. I'm still good at writing. I can give the world my words. Because I believe the standardized testing results, even if others wish to deny those results. Someone with impaired recall, adhd, autism, and psychological problems is not destined to have a great deal of success in business. If I truly could choose to not have problems, then the world would indeed be simpler. But from what Im being told, that's not in the cards. I realize there is still some disagreement amongst the professionals, but only on the finer details. Some people, they just don'...

    I've been thinking a lot. Again, when the hospital mentions jail and restraining orders, it seems like a good time to think. Life hasn't exactly gone smoothly, and it's a bit of a mindfuck at times.      The funny thing is, in college I was so boring. Barely ever had alcohol, my social circle was a church group. I wasn't the greatest student; I spent a lot of time working on my computer. Eventually I built a custom liquid cooled rig, after graduate school. I don't understand people so well. I was not captain of the cross-country team for very long in high school, it all started coming apart in junior year. I used to write fiction to cope, but I didn't share much of it. I wasn't very confident in my work. I blended into "the background" so often. It seemed like I was living that song every day almost. Seems like so many missed opportunities. I did not find my place. When you spend so much time alone, maybe it looks paranoid.       Counseli...

We decided to try vyvanse again. I'm waiting for the pharmacy to get it in stock. That and increased mirtazapine for sleep, and a new machine for cpap therapy, which is on order. I'm hoping the vyvanse will help with the restless. 

    I've been giving my professionals feedback on how to help me. The biggest feedback is to simply hear my feedback. What all is right and wrong upstairs may be a matter of debate, but I'm not a child anymore. I for one am glad I got off Clozaril. It's been rough, but I know it was right for me.      Today I have the Sleep doc and the head doc as I continue my "health care journey". Sleep's been around 6 hours and I'm trying to fine tune my focus.       I think independence of thought is important, and that's hard to do within the system. Sometimes there's too many wheels bumping up against each other to keep them all moving in the same direction. That's why I like independent contracting and small teams. So long as each team keeps within the general ruleset, small teams can wiggle a little and still stay in line.      I can't jump on too many bandwagons. I'm getting myself down to a system that works for me. I feel like I exp...

Remember, Sarah, find Jess, don't come back with hospital supplies.

I hate Scammers. They're always coming up with new ideas. Tonight I got contacted by one, said they were going to pay me to use my photo for some art. Then they sent me a check, started ordering to send money here and there or they would report me to FBI. eventually I had to call police. They said to block all the numbers. So I did. Bank must be wondering wtf. Now I have to contact mauldin police if I get contacted again. I wish these people would find something else to do. I'm trying to get work. I don't need this stress.

Hard words delivered fast in a fury of certainty Melt back to the corners of my consciousness slowly When the fool marches forth with his lecturing and monotony I pause lest I respond too fast. My silence they mistake for weakness or impropriety, But it is only a measured response to their haste For there is no sense in speaking often and loudly To a man whose ears are wide yet shut. Words without impact carry no value I save mine for when the time is right And if that time never comes for us I let retreating footsteps say what remains.