Darkness Until Dawn

I remain at home in contemplation, having applied to several jobs and done all my medical and self care. I feel like some meditative reflection is beneficial. I regret taking needing time away, but I still feel the need to slow this down. I reached God in McClean, I can reach him here too. Just me and him. And the cat. I feel like too many influences is just as bad as idle hands... its the devil's workshop.

      Change can come slowly, or in a rush. Sometimes, it's exciting. Other times, it is quite frightening. Yet, inevitably, it comes. The winds of change can lift you up or they can buffet you like a storm. I look for the signs along the way like anyone else. I do feel somewhat weary from the repeated rises and falls in life. The road can get lonely and sometimes every path seems to be blocked with some obstacle or another. Sometimes there are special interests keeping you out. 

      I think there's a point that you reach between enough medical and too much medical. Sometimes that point isn't all together clear. I have to evaluate on a decision-by-decision basis, just like anyone else. I've reached that point a few times. I reached it with Prichards and Clozapine. I reached it with CCBH and Clozapine. I reached it with the Hospital/Center run around. I reached it when talk of jail and restraining orders came up. I reached it. I'm happy to continue counseling and the medication I do have. I'm happy to take a step back. I'm happy to give the hospitals a break. I hope that anyone who reads this can understand the reasons why.

Watchful eyes make darkened skies all the brighter still In the stars we find our guides and follow them until The sun comes up and we come to see the light falling once again So parts the pain and heals the insane until it fully ends. A gentle hand helps the broken mend and stills the aching heart A steady guide brings hope and pride to its shattered parts And looking up the clear skies come to rescue us until We're strong again and stand as one to climb another hill.

     I'm building trust and learning about choosing words. Which words for the right times. What strength looks like. What money can and can't do. I would have been a priest, I'm too curious about the world. Maybe that is my undoing. There have been times when I should have spoken up but didn't. There were times I simply wasn't heard. I'm trying to choose companions wisely and communicate clearly. I have to take the world seriously, because it is a serious place. Serious things can happen.      I was always quiet. I'm trying to get louder. Looking for a job. Cutting expenses. Working on fiction and art but coming up with mostly poetry and AI art. 

      I am not sorry for following the orders of Prichards on THC. That was not my mistake to make. That was the doctor's. I am not sorry for following Artstick's orders on Spravato, that was her mistake to make. I am sorry for not communicating better. I am sorry for spending beyond my means. Those two things I can be sorry for. Those two things alone.      I am not sorry for the small-minded ignorance and hatred of the inpatient population. I am not sorry that my family and some people cannot understand autism spectrum or trauma. I am not sorry for these things.      I am sorry for contacting the nurse. I am not sorry for cutting off people who were being unhelpful.      I regret the misunderstanding and chaos that has followed me from this hospital to that center to the other hospital. I regret that some people have the inability to recognize a good person for they are missing out. I regret the loose mouths and the hateful i...

     Loyalty means sticking it out when times are tough. Loyalty means having the courage to point out other people's mistakes or misjudgments in tactful ways to help them do better, not blindly aiding them to commit errors. Loyalty is not blind obedience. Loyalty means being loyal to what a person stands for, not necessarily what they do. Standing by them while calling them out is more loyal than helping a person to make mistakes.            Being firm about boundaries is actually a service to another person, even if they cannot see that. When they realize they were wrong, they will be grateful if they are worth keeping. If they never realize they were wrong, or don't have the ability to forgive a misunderstanding, then they were never worth keeping.      A wise man makes decisions based on facts, not a lack of information. Thus, a wise man sometimes must consider that he doesn't know all the facts, and therefore a wise m...