Darkness Until Dawn

      I want to contribute when I'm thinking clearly, and my mind is crisp. Otherwise, there's mistakes, and particularly in certain fields mistakes have consequences. It's not to say that I'll never be productive, but I can't be productive and screw up. It's not how you do good work and keep working. I'm good with words they say, I should use them.      There was someone that wanted me to use my words for him. I was not able to. He was a convicted murderer being beaten by prison guards and denied effective medical care. So many visits to the infirmary. He sent me some documents and then the Department of Corrections contacted me, told me to stay out of it. I met him through a woman on a dating site. I wasn't really feeling in a position to take on the Dept of Corrections. I looked at the documents. There were definitely a lot of infirmary visits. I wasn't exactly planning on being an investigative reporter. Maybe I intimidate easily. But then again ...

     Getting Proper nutrition in a Hospital can be difficult. They don't always have the best options. I liked that SpringBrook made such an effort to separate the vegetarian option from the regular options and was diligent about advertising and providing those options. I liked that MIP had such advanced nutrition education. I've developed GERD, hyperglycemia and idiopathic constipation, so I think it's important to pay attention to diet.      Personally, Brown rice is one of my favorites. I also consume a lot of whole grain bread. I've gotten better with the veggies. I'm doing the Kale smoothies with the Chia seeds. I don't honestly get that bored with a consistent diet. I like consistency. Too many choices create risk, and my dx list is becoming a mile long.      I have been frustrated. But the shut up and learn from those who do better hasn't been working. So I'm being more selective. I've been a little slow to decrease expenses. But so ma...

     I'm trying to orient to my new reality. The one in which MIP thinks I'm a drug addict and we keep moving dx's around. I mean, they're just labels. But I'm finding that this whole remote thing is working better for me. I show up only when absolutely necessary, and they don't have to fuss and freak so much. I just do the check in's, I look for work, I do the healthy eating at home (much more possible), I do the meds by myself so long as walgreens manages to not **** up... everything is groovy. I ignore symptoms I can't make sense of, like weird headaches, body sensations, that thing with my left shoulder that the internist couldn't figure out with the bumps... I reduce expenses, I go lean... I try to exercise and get more sleep, take very careful care of my sinuses. I stay positive.       It's my new reality. Broke, stuck with disability, not likely to hold a job at the rate I'm going, but still trying. Trying to get adsense with the progr...

 Spidey is a good Spider... instead of getting angwy, he gets a liddle higher...

  See me?

      Allright. Starting fresh again. Yet again. I feel like the decrease in sinus symptoms has allowed me to use the CPAP machine more, which helps my sleep and therefore my energy and just about everything else. I think the problems with my sinuses have been key and overlooked, but the shot and the debrox seemed to help. The change in diet and the isolation seemed to help. I need to hyperfocus on maintaining diet, exercise, CPAP, and meds, otherwise I'm no good to anyone.       This experience has been extremely humbling and distressing. I've felt somewhere between the metamorphosis and the invisible man. I only hope I can maintain my health, because I want to contribute. I need cleanliness, patience, discipline.

     I've tried to be honest on this website about mental health. It's taken a few detours and it's not always been pretty, or anywhere close to it. I miss feeling like I had a crew. Having an independent voice is isolating. I have not enjoyed the experience. Trying to inspire others in a world of differing views is a strange business.       I feel disingenuous if I'm always positive and full of hope. I try to be honest, and that doesn't always allow for painting in the brightest colors. What's most disturbing to me has been the shifting of loyalties as I've said more and more. All I'm saying is what has happened. It's gotten so extremely personal. It makes me wonder how you can be personal with someone and still be their friend.       I like to lift others up, even by admitting fault. I don't want to be the perfect one. It's not realistic. I'm definitely not perfect, I'm not actually well liked.     What I learn about peo...