Darkness Until Dawn

     What I do have a problem with (other then fancy diagnoses) is anger, trauma, poverty, and lack of mental presence. I'm very spacey. I don't expect people to give a damn, but I do have to deal with it, whether you think I'm faking or not. The autism and adhd are the more complex underlying problems. It's not that hard to understand. All you need is the desire to truly understand, and it's following basic sentences. A high schooler can do it.       The starting point is autism. ADHD, most people understand already. Then slap on some trauma dissociation, and bingo, you have someone who is intelligent, different, and not very present. Comes from decades of repeated trauma. Ods, comas, severe depression, hospitalizations, these all qualify as trauma. No cure. It's fairly permanent. Pretty much all of it. Permanent disability. I can still do things, but the emotional dysregulation, spaceiness and communication issues will make full time work and many ma...

     I think there's a lot of misconceptions about THC. The biggest for me personally, is that some people think I was addicted to it or that I was "having fun". Wrong. No, I tried it under the advice of a phyisician, it became a whole big thing, and I was taking very small amounts to treat symptoms, not to have fun. To me it was no different than a medication.       It was Spravato that became a huge problem. It landed me in the ER with crazy symptoms. It's going to be some time before I feel comfortable discussing what thc and spravato were like, because it was definitely a traumatic event. THC did have an uplifting effect, but the amount of lies and trauma around it makes it unlikely that I will ever try it again. I'm still trying to feel safe in my own skin again, especially around hospitals.       They're so busy pointing fingers sometimes that they forget to check the facts. Such as, oh yeah, WE were the ones that prescribed S...

     I keep getting distracted, but if I'm trying to get my days back down to a system, just a different system. A system focused around accountec, writing, and health. As I keep saying getting too old for stretching myself thin, for chaos. I can't afford distractions. 

     Trust issues refer to the difficulties a person experiences in believing in the reliability, honesty, and integrity of others, often stemming from past negative experiences. These issues can manifest as fear of betrayal, abandonment, or manipulation, and they can significantly impact relationships, leading to anxiety, suspicion, and difficulty forming close connections.  Signs of Trust Issues: Fear of betrayal or abandonment: Individuals with trust issues may anticipate being hurt or mistreated, leading them to be guarded and hesitant to open up emotionally.  Difficulty forming close relationships: They may struggle to trust others, making it hard to form and maintain intimate friendships or romantic relationships.  Suspiciousness and skepticism: They may constantly question others' intentions and motives, even when there's no logical reason to do so.  Anxiety and insecurity: Trust issues can lead to heightened anxiety, worry, and a general sense ...

Jess... you cant keep going visible just because he's cute. AND STOP BREAKING INTO HOSPITALS.

  [Whispers] ok, everyone, on three, we run... bob... tie her shoelaces together.

    Trust is a delicate thing. It can be so powerful when it is well formed and treated with respect. I feel like going to the ER helped restore my trust. Because it was nothing like last time. There were no threats, there were no sides, there was no Elle, there was no talk of drugs... this time, they focused on the problem and the solution(s). That's what medicine should be like. That's exactly what it should be like. It gives me hope. It makes me think I can trust the ER.      I want to believe that the system can work! I hope this is a new leaf!