Darkness Until Dawn

I regret not getting the right help sooner. I regret going to mip again. I regret not being more focused on something I was truly passionate about. I regret not communicating better. I regret not focusing on resolving this much much sooner. I feel like it didn’t have to get this bad. I have many good qualities, how did it get this bad?

  Jess where are you hiding?

  Sarah don't go after her!!!

     I'm getting caught up in the negativity and recriminations. But I'm trying to have compassion. It didn't used to be like this. MIP used to be my safe zone. I'm trying to look beyond the disagreement over my care. I just need to make it until the pristiq refill comes in. I'll try mycharting memorial again. I know ive been stable for long periods before. I know i can do it again. I feel like I have too much time alone but im not communicating well and I don't know how that changes.

      I saw a post on a social media site about humility. It really rang true with me, because regardless of what my real diagnosis is or isn't, it's widely agreed that I have one. The post said that it's important to remain humble, because at any point you could get a dx that could change your entire life. I'm told I'll never have a normal life, regardless of what my dx is or isn't. I count myself lucky to have known all the people I have known. I really do. I've met some great people in my lifetime. I hope and pray that I have more good times ahead of me. I have trouble keeping the faith, but regardless I hope that I can be a light, even when I struggle to see that light. 

Hospitals are supposed to be places of healing. But when they allow rumors and bullshit to flow like water, its hard to maintain faith. I need to get my meds refilled and keep reaching within for that faith and that perseverance, because i do feel disillusioned. And i hate that because I truly believe in medicine and faith and the power to heal. I dont want to turn from supporting healthcare professionals to hating them. It's just so not the way. i need to find that faith and really hold onto it with all my strength.

      So now Adsense is on this thing about not too many pictures or videos and a quality experience with enough original words. So, I'm increasing my posts with totally original words and trying to make sure my little song remixes are original and not flat regurgitations or anything like that. Hopefully adsense will see that I'm creating something unique and that people are actually reading and allow me to post some ads because this website costs time and money to maintain and I've been through a lot, even if people like to disagree on the details and a warm f*** you to Ableists and revisionists of my personal medical trauma. I'm so sick of these a*holes that collect at psych providers offering unsolicited opinions on pain and history that they know little to nothing about.      Anyways, I hope since adsense offers little specific feedback or even a way to discuss it with a human or even a robot that soon they find the wisdom to approve my sight or help me...