Darkness Until Dawn

 

I need to find new things to focus on. Because I need to be able to relate to others. Though I feel I need to be careful about trust. These past several years have been disorienting. I used to recognize myself. That was a long time ago. Maybe 6 years. 2019. Before Leaves of September. 

Dear Elle, I just wish you could see that there's more to me then what you knew in the hospital. So much more. I'm not just some crazy guy on meds that you took care of. I'm more then that. I wish you could see. I remember sitting with you in the gym. You had the reports you were writing in that pretty girly print with the colored ink. You didn't mind that I didn't go play with the others. I would sit and talk to you. While you wrote report. I trusted you. I'm glad you were there. Truly yours, Ashes

 Instead of wings, I cooked drumsticks. <sigh> I thought they looked a little big.

 I feel like my life used to be different but maybe it was the same. I dont honestly know. It seems like the past was another lifetime.  I worry what will happen to me. I'm worried if I will survive. If I'll ever have a family. I guess I assumed I would. But I'm getting old. Running out of time.

 

     I remember the Annex. The part of the ER that they kept people until there was a bed available. It's gone now. I remember the kid's unit, which became IMU, which I also remember. I remember Elle being with me on one of my first suicide watches. I remember her intaking me at the desk in the atrium area after my 2nd attempt and the long stay in the annex. I remember the ECTs. I remember all the doctors. I remember so many of the staff. I remember the grounds. I remember all the rooms. I think of that place almost every day. It was my third home. I was telling the psychiatrists the other day. I could give tours. This spot is where I met elle, this is where I did this, this is where that happened, this is where the other thing happened... I wonder if Sharon's still alive. I know Bobbi is still there. I do remember. I don't talk about it but I remember.