Darkness Until Dawn

 This was so much simpler when we thought I had Bipolar, but it wasn't Bipolar, I was miserable, and the meds were making me worse. Bad psychiatry.

 It's very hard to keep up with conversations or maintain focus. I'm struggling with executive skills

 Ive been rather agitated and fixated on the medical. The counselor says dissociation the psych says brain fog. 

      Right now I'm waiting for the psych to get back from vacation so I can decide between inpatient and outpatient. I barely function. Not sleeping much, can't stop thinking about the hospital. Spaced out, the ad thing won't even add my site. Keeps coming back with explanations I don't understand. I've been talking with the oncall. I feel a sense of urgency to act but I don't know what to do and I can barely think straight. The Hospital used to feel safe.

     My family and the hospital are not being realistic about the nature and severity of my mental illness, and that is a huge concern. They believe I am more functional than I actually am and that the difference can be attributed to THC, which is false. This worries me because if I need help, they will treat the wrong problem with the wrong solutions and I won't get the help I need, and I feel that I'm likely to need help, given the debilitating nature of DID. Mental Health has many myths, this is one I was not aware of.      It makes me very nervous around family and hospital staff, because I don't know what to expect. Sometimes it takes me a while to recover from an encounter. The stress exhausts me and sometimes makes me physically sick. 

I really do believe that rather then trying to force confessions out of people regarding sexuality or drugs, the hospital could cut the bullshit threats and learn and apply polyvagal theory better. I'm not an addict, I'm not a criminal, and they are full of shit for implying so.

Is what happens the next time I need help? Everyone needs help now and then. Do I lose the house nexttime? Do we go legal? What happens nexttime? That's why I need to manage my stress, keep plenty of personal space. Because there's bulls in the China shops. They don't care about facts, they care about narratives. They think im out here having fun and thats the story they will tell. Nevermind the truth. This is why I cant talk to some people. It's thier narrative.