Darkness Until Dawn

     My family and the hospital are not being realistic about the nature and severity of my mental illness, and that is a huge concern. They believe I am more functional than I actually am and that the difference can be attributed to THC, which is false. This worries me because if I need help, they will treat the wrong problem with the wrong solutions and I won't get the help I need, and I feel that I'm likely to need help, given the debilitating nature of DID. Mental Health has many myths, this is one I was not aware of.      It makes me very nervous around family and hospital staff, because I don't know what to expect. Sometimes it takes me a while to recover from an encounter. The stress exhausts me and sometimes makes me physically sick. 

I really do believe that rather then trying to force confessions out of people regarding sexuality or drugs, the hospital could cut the bullshit threats and learn and apply polyvagal theory better. I'm not an addict, I'm not a criminal, and they are full of shit for implying so.

Is what happens the next time I need help? Everyone needs help now and then. Do I lose the house nexttime? Do we go legal? What happens nexttime? That's why I need to manage my stress, keep plenty of personal space. Because there's bulls in the China shops. They don't care about facts, they care about narratives. They think im out here having fun and thats the story they will tell. Nevermind the truth. This is why I cant talk to some people. It's thier narrative.

     Guilt is ever present in today's society. Because shame is a way that society enacts control, guilt is a holiday thing, it is a duty thing, it is a thing of accusations and recriminations. It is the relative that keeps asking no matter how many times you say no. It is the friend who lays everything on you. It is the inverse of duty, it is the failure to meet obligations imposed, whether rightfully or not. 

 To me, the weirdest part is the strange headaches I get. It feels like different parts of my skull want to come off. Last night I only got four hours of sleep. I cant get myself to sleep enough. I worry about the future. Especially when it seems like the hospital does not have my best interest at heart.  Conversation is hard. I don't feel like I can be myself with people. after every conversation, I feel like I think of five different ways I could have said something else. At times I feel betrayed. Like the hospital was never working for me. And they seem more interested in burying it, then understanding what the real problem is. 

 Dear coffee,     I've been having problems with Psychociation. It starts with playing along. Before long I feel physically sick, I have outbursts, anger, sadness, fear. I keep getting stuck. It's hard to know where the future goes. Especially when the hospital looks for every explanation but the actual explanation. Especially when they don't work for me.       But we have good talks. Not that I remember us ever saying a ton, but sometimes fewer words is better. The world can be a strange place, and sometimes people are resistant to different ideas. I try to see beyond and then I get swept in the bullshit. it's frustrating. Before I know it I'm playing along again, and I don't realize until I start having the mood swings, outbursts, and start getting desperate. Disoriented. I wonder if you're met Elle. I'd imagine so.      What I wonder is, can you see, or are you as blind as the rest? But I honestly don't judge people very well... not a...

     I'm working on leaving the house more often and understanding people better. Not so much why they do what they do, but why they feel the way they feel. My most common emotions are anger and fear. It used to be sadness, but that's gotten better. The anxiety is definitely the worse of the two. Sometimes I have positive emotions. Happiness, love, amusement, connection.       Fear, sadness, and anger seem like a triad. They lock together like armor, impenetrable. I got to the point I was taking so much inositol that my digestion was disrupted. The chamomile lavender tea is better. Holy Basil tea tastes pretty bad, but it calms incredibly. Ashwagandha tastes a little better but doesn't seem quite as effective for me. I'm trying to use the five senses more, as well as l-theanine and Atarax.