Darkness Until Dawn

Dear Elle, I've really had some doubts about my families. I was in the hospital by age 13. 13. Now I have DID. According to standardized testing. Which only occurs in situations of abuse before the age of ten. Then im thinking about all the drugs they put me on and the lack of independence. Then im looking at Münchhausens by proxy. And it says the person in charge of the care of the person with by proxy is often a health care provider. I have two doctors in my family. You do see where im going with this? If im right, that would make sense because I was told my parents are harmful to me. It's just, you know, I've tried to help them. They don't listen. I've got to think on this some more. I just hope there are eyes on me. In case anyone tries to threaten or pressure. It's hard to stay level like this. Ashes

A small town... a white building built like an inn... People would come in and line up in the room to the right with the others, thinking they were checking in to a hotel and not the hospital where James Taylor recovered from heroine addiction. Opposite that room, the one room with AC, where everyone would pile in on the 100 degree summer days, making the room itself hot. Past there, past the nurses station and the stairs going up, you could get to the back door opening on a lawn with chairs where we played whiffle ball. Or go downstairs to a cave like basement with a big screen and vending.  Facing that main building, to the left was level 2, apartments. Somewhere, I think in lennox, was another building of apartments.  I remember Marge and Susie. I remember the bank. Walking down the street, the bank was across from the recreation therapy building.

Unusual experiences can instill unusual habits. I have a bed but I sleep on the couch. Im trying to get comfortable sleeping in my room. I have trouble organizing, and stuff ends up in odd places. When adrenaline rises, I dart and then almost collapse. I don't like to stand long for fear of fainting.  I have trouble prioritizing. Memories come suddenly. I dissociate (space out) frequently. My face tingles. Tinnitus. But overall, much improvement since march.

What is it?      Anxiety is an emotion that tells us when something in our life seems out of place or improper.  What does it tell us?      Anxiety tells us to exercise caution, to think before acting. How to deal with it?     Visualizations are fantastic for anxiety. Deep breathing. Ice. talking to someone. Counting down from 100 by 7s. A good joke. Singing. Moving your body (dance). Yoga. running.  Body sensations     Tightness, faintness, blurred vision, sweating, butterflies, heart racing, restlessness, energy Examples?     Making a speech, driving in a busy area, telling someone bad news.

What did one suspicious nail say to the other? I've got MIST'RUST!

 EIGHT LEGS! *Sweeping* Ebbyday! Spidey knot di fastest arachnid in di attick, but sumting rotten round here... Spidey fix...

Dear Elle,     I'm drawing on the knowledge and the faith I have collected from so many people. You were there from 97-20. They can make it about your hair color or your physical attributes, but you were my RN. You watched over me, you taught me, you never failed me. You know me.      I need to be a better me. While I cannot simply sit and blame my families, I cannot stay the same nor can I simply forget. You may be asking why. Why he can't just go live life and work and get married and forget. To me, that kind of walking away is a betrayal of the struggle and an abandonment of the people like me who also got lost as well as a burying of the truth. I cannot be the only zombie that's been walking around drugged up. I cannot believe that living that way is healthy or right. Maybe I haven't seen enough evil, but life has not actually been a walk in the park. I don't like being that disabled guy with the name.      You WOULD NOT LET ME BREAK. So now I...