Darkness Until Dawn

Dear Members of the Community,      Please stop analyzing my health and personal habits. It's wearing me out. It's counterproductive. If you ever want me to stop living in hospitals and doctors' offices, you'll stop asking. Driving me to drink with this shit. Seriously, I'm not a science experiment. I swear to God on one side I've got the medicalization crowd that wants to hyper analyze every perceived fault and on the other the bullshit crowd that knows it's all a load of internalized crap dressed up as DX's. It makes no sense. Thank you, Ashes

I've been asked what the plan is a lot. You may not be familiar with how serious "medically complex" or DID are. It's not exactly hospice, but prognosis isn't great. Permanent disability. Not a normal life. Maybe I'll have a relationship, maybe not. We all gotta die someday. Maybe it will get better. But as the book title says, the body keeps the score. Pretty clear I lost. So, I have to conserve my energy. I may look ok. I promise you; I am not. One too many falls, and all the king's horses and all the king's men... I was trying to work. I'm told that's not realistic. So, I'll try to write. Maybe something will change. Maybe not. I'll let the kids have their turn. Broken mind. Not evil, just broken. Yeah, it's dark. It is what it is. Too tired to fight. You know, I think I'll have one of those parties' people sometimes have when they become terminal. I'd like the process to be happy... ish. Too much medical manipulation...

Interesting that they don't warn you about all the dangers of what might happen if you have to d/c clozapine. They warn you about the ridiculous side effects but not how dangerous it is to have to DC the stuff. The list of complications is ridiculous. Shit ain't kosher. Waste of resources.

Get a diagnosis, they said. Having a name for the problems helps, they said... $*%#.

Hanging in the corner From a silky thread by the light of windows with pen and paper spread The dragonfly, it hovers, In the room just down the hall busy are the bees from the comb the honey falls And so, the bear creeps lowly sniffing at the air sneaking in so softly to tackle what is there He's bigger than the dragonfly Though hungry, he is strong He plots to steal some honey Because right is never wrong Unfortunately for bear (though spider plays along) When they come in number, bees can be quite strong Soon the door comes open, and queen bee has a friend Blue bee joins the hive, in the room down at the end To make bear's matters worse another bee pops out soon the first door opens and bees are all about Spider, do a favor... Distract the dragonfly.

     This has been a draining experience. It's gone in the strangest directions. Trying times must come to an end. You know, when this all started, people seemed to find it interesting, almost like a thrill. It's not actually that strange of a concept. People forget that everyone plays different roles, takes different perspectives from time to time. The truth can appear different from person to person. I was reminded of the Trinity. Even God has parts... Father, Son, Holy Spirit. I started some self-exploration, and it got too interesting for everyone. Medication can be truly frightening as well. I wanted people to know the real me. It got out of hand.     South Carolina is angry enough. Let me go see about Massachusetts... maybe they're bored... I hear Samoa is nice my time of crazy...

I can see why people are angry. Angry because I've changed. Angry because they were wrong about me. Angry because they worked hard, and it didn't work out. Trauma is like that. It's difficult. But there's no sense in jumping to conclusions. Just because you fear me does not mean that I am worthy of fear. Or anger. I'm still me. Just differently. Getting older makes me realize that my energy is limited. But it seems like my perception is also limited. I used to feel like I knew the world and myself, but I had a small world. I was in a rut. Now I strive to get traction again. I'm doing what's right for me. In time, wounds can heal. Anyways. If Elle or Leaves ever need anything, they better let me know. Not that I have much to give, but sometimes I have to make exceptions for good people. I owe a few debts. I think we could all use some peace.