Darkness Until Dawn

Here's a new idea: If you want me to stop lying about my families, stop lying to me and others about myself. If you want me to respect doctors, respect patients.  If you don't want me playing games, don't play games with me. If you want me to stop idealizing, stop idealizing me.f If you want me to stop threatening, stop threatening me. Don't put me in a toy house and pull my strings and expect me to smile and kiss the royal ring. Don't sweep your colleagues mistakes under the rug and demonize me and expect it to go away. I have freedom of speech. Get freaking used to it. If you ever want to see me again. Just stop being assholes and I will too. Deal? Let's not make talking through lawyers necessary.  I'll be more able to work and mind my own business and all that if people stop messing around with me. And my mike truly has been <coughassholeahem> not very nice but I'm sure he's sorry and I'm sorry for calling him an asshole and maybe if we ...

The thing thats most disturbing to me is the memory issues. My memory is not cohesive. It's divided. At any given times, different blocks of the past are more or less recallable. Most of the time there's very large blocks i cannot remember.

I guess when Prichards wanted a case study, this isn't what he had in mind. Well, you taught me everything. Maybe I use it. Well, thats kinda funny. I mean... I'm relying on medical advice. Hah. And yet they enjoy being pissed off. That i followed his advice and sometimes still do. That's funny. It really is. I've internalized them. The doctors. The EPS is really bad. That's muscle spasms and restlessness.

     People develop more understanding as they get older. They really do. When you're young, it doesn't always occur to you that people understand more at an older age. They see more shades of gray. Especially when not drugged. That's why I simplified. There are multiple professionals who believe that Prichards, clozapine, and the Bipolar/CBT BS I was buying into were all not a good fit for me.       I have to heed medical advice. Y'all can't even agree. You just agree it's messed up. I think we all can. So I decided to rename the series. We can still be proud. Not of our mistakes. But from learning and adapting to what we did not know before. SO LEARN. 

Sometimes I'm careful about what they want to hear. Telling people what they want to hear is the inverse of believing everything you hear. Sometimes white lies are required. When people won't back off. Then later, you have to let them figure the rest out for themselves. When people are giving you orders that you cannot carry out. Anyways. Tired of conflict. Starting to remind myself of "Insomnia".

Now, where was I? Ah, yes, Angry. Angry is a little upset with the medical system. Angry feels they aren't listening. Angry isn't alone. Other people are Angry too. Angry just wants to make sure people are safe. Be taken seriously for once. But the doctors are more interested in covering up their mistakes. But that's ok. Because people know what happened to Angry. At least some people understand Angry. We're all human. Angry just needs time and space. People that actually listen. Take Angry seriously. And Angry found them. They work at places like IMA.  The Drugs didn't get me through McClean. You wanna know what it was? Faith. I talked to God. People don't give me credit. But I have faith. I kept saying to Him... I know there must be a reason. You're trying to make me strong. But for what purpose? People don't want to give me credit. They want to demonize. Find someone or something to blame. And run around. It makes me Angry. Clozapine isn't worth t...

I feel like I'm trying to find my people. Some people have betrayed my trust and I have to keep them at arms length. Because it goes back to, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... it's over. Trying to determine how far an arms length is. Now, when its business, thats one thing. Lately it seems more personal. Now, if I was writing about my home from somewhere else... be a hell of a lot easier. I may have misplaced some passions. In latin, passion is emotions, feelings, or suffering. Com means with. So compassion means to share feelings or suffering. Em means in I think. Pathy means problem or infliction. Empathy... to be in someone's problem. Think too much? No, never. But empathy takes strength. A lot of it. It's tiring. That's why gratitude is important. I have to remember the good eggs. Even when they can't be there. So I'm spreading my trust. That seems to be the goal. Trust the community. Maybe without antagonizing. Maybe without scaring the kids....