Darkness Until Dawn

I feel like I'm trying to find my people. Some people have betrayed my trust and I have to keep them at arms length. Because it goes back to, fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice... it's over. Trying to determine how far an arms length is. Now, when its business, thats one thing. Lately it seems more personal. Now, if I was writing about my home from somewhere else... be a hell of a lot easier. I may have misplaced some passions. In latin, passion is emotions, feelings, or suffering. Com means with. So compassion means to share feelings or suffering. Em means in I think. Pathy means problem or infliction. Empathy... to be in someone's problem. Think too much? No, never. But empathy takes strength. A lot of it. It's tiring. That's why gratitude is important. I have to remember the good eggs. Even when they can't be there. So I'm spreading my trust. That seems to be the goal. Trust the community. Maybe without antagonizing. Maybe without scaring the kids....

I think getting older requires personality changes. And I'm not a great auditory communicator. But I don't want to inspire negativity. Some people are very private. And I've been there. Others are more open. Which is risky. Being open can be dangerous. But holding it in is dangerous too. The Psychiatrists wanted a study. But the hospitals don't seem good at that. Between that and the state and Federal money that helped pay for some of my care, I thought a more public study might be better. Not like a case study. Just people getting to know the real me. The Declozariled me. It's been traumatic. So it's hard to share me without sharing the trauma. But not sharing trauma is a good idea. So I need to avoid talking medical. Or too much Psychology. Clozaril does numb people out like crazy. It's SO STRONG. Systemic changes to the brain, re-regulating everything. Overrides human nature. Overrides conscience.  Some of my accounts follow the wrong things. I'm clea...

Dear SC,      I've been fairly vocal on the hospitals. I'm hoping not to see them again soon. Maybe we got to know each other too well. Boundaries are important. People make mistakes. It's because I care that I write. Truly great people do not need too much attention. They find ways to balance the giving and the taking. There's been some back and forth, I'm sure we both said things we did not mean. I'm certain my team is taking good care of me. I do hate clozaril, but it's not used much.       However, I don't want this swept under the rug. I want real change. I do know that MIP has tried. If the hospitals can focus on those boundaries, some positivity and teamwork, and being diligent about abuse and what they teach, then South Carolina will be better for it.       Teaching men that they are dangerous is not wise. Teaching them that one medication is the end all and be all for their life is not wise. Teaching men that they can be ge...

 So some of the things I'm suggesting for hospitals are appropriate for individuals. Rotating people in your life helps to keep it fresh and growth oriented. I'm not actually anti-science. I just want responsible science with accuracy. And not teaching people BS about chemical imbalances. Some people really do have bipolar. Whatever i have, its not what I was led to believe it was. My conscience has been heavy. I don't like knowing what I know about my county and my life. I want my life to be different. I'm waiting for my lawyer to get back. He's going to help me move in the right direction with my name. Social Security and I don't get along. I have to change one more time.

  Snoozing on the job, are we? Well, what do you have to say for yourself? Well, yes, orange looks good on you. Well, no, we didn't actually run out of cat treats... clean it up now... 

     So going back to the Drug War and medicalized perfectionism... In the 90s, thinking was a bit different. People were like Autism Spectrum? Asper-what? ADHme? Bipolar reorder? SAD? Seasonal Affective Disorder? Schizo this and that? Dissociate? Psychosis? Red pill, blue pill? Adrenaline?       Maybe I am weird. I learned from the best. Y'all taught me something. Atlanta. Greenville. Charleston. Anderson. MA. Y'all taught me something, right? Maybe it's time to trust that you taught well. To stop hiding behind your locked doors. Maybe keeping people safe can happen out in the community. Maybe my brother isn't actually God. Nor my father. Just maybe. Maybe being the youngest doesn't automatically make me stupid or a fool. Maybe not quite a criminal mastermind either. Maybe having trouble going out in public doesn't make me an atheist. Maybe having DID doesn't make me a demon worshipper or a drug addict. Maybe we really did get into this together. I'm ...

     Science and religion have remarkably different views sometimes. I've known a lot of truly great people. I do know how to fight but I prefer to keep the peace. So if I don't speak you'll have to forgive me. If I don't visit or volunteer, you'll have to forgive me. I'm coming back down from anger. In my own way and time.      Clozana has a way of submerging anger. Of greying the lines and the boundaries. But I am not a robot or zombie, nor inherently evil. You treat someone like an animal, that is what you will get. You treat them like a human being with independent thought and the potential for good will, you might just get that. Now the world can witness the effects of legalized drugs and miseducation. I hope Belmont is paying attention. Before I get to that lawyer point. Because it gets messy. And we got here together. Even the lawyers seem nervous. That says something.      Anyways, back to boundaries and one size definitely does not f...