Darkness Until Dawn

     I think I'm understanding clarity a little better. Cuz everyone has feelings. If female workers cower behind males, males get protective. They might curse or make threats.       If DID patients are around this, they might shut down completely. Go away. And then the cursing and threats comes out later. Polyvagal theory. Stockholm Syndrome. Medical Complex trauma.       Biology. One body. One hardware. DID not in remission... an out of date operating system... Programs running amuck... Memory overflows... data loss... Scrambled output.      LEARN SOMETHING ABOUT COMPLEX FREAKING TRAUMA PLEASE. Thank YOU.  We really need to see other people. I hear Bon Secours is nice my time of illness... I can be honest. You just won't like it very much. With purely physical... honesty is so much easier. 

Its really wierd when someone has fits in which they alternate laughing and crying. I've not seen it very often. I have seen sudden bursts of anger. That seems more common. I remember the purple heart. I remember his eyes. Very very distinct eyes. Not like the usual burnt out type. Just his eyes seemed to spontaneously combust. I remember the click it guy. Used to jump from airplanes. I remember the guy on the floor. He lasted a few hours before he was moved somewhere. Yes I remember ptsd.  Some people insist I fake. Others find the physical symptoms so frustrating. BP going up and down. Numbness in and out. Neuropathy. Others, they just recognize and don't say much. Arson used to be like that. We got too close. Maybe now we don't like the view quite as much.  Oh I don't recall. That's why I have 600 pages. To help me remember the significance of the ten days.  Some days we're all just playing along. It comes out in bursts. Left side of face. 7. Right side. 2. I...

     Ashes is on fire again. Maybe the foam isn't working.      Where's the nearest Psychiatrist?      Maybe the prefrontal overheated. Let's look under the hood.       Let's see... there's gotta to be an interface port behind the left ear? Can we reprogram the auditory nerve? Too much noise on the relay.      Did you check the insulation on the auditory cortex? Run through our neurologists? Perhaps Clarity has a drive through?

Welp... back to the drawing board. Internal management is difficult. Too fragmented. Hospital had no clue. I mean as a whole. Different people saw Different issues. But none came even close to the whole. Not even close. Still. And my mental math seems off.

Mip said don't spread your trauma. They said boundaries. They also medicated and tried to dx bullshit again. Throwing spaghetti at the wall. Can't blame MA for that. Atlanta said no but nobody listened to Atlanta.  ... I should calm down. Just a little. I'm OK.

Ebbbbyday is a winding web! Getta liddle bit closer and peeling pine! Ebbbbyday is a whining toad! (Ribbit)

There's been some things coming up that are fairly intense. I'm trying to refocus away from certain people and situations. Because people are finding my memories, feelings, and expressions stressful. I was not intending to be PG, but I was not intending to be NC-17 either. But I can remember extremely disturbing things. And I like South Carolina. I've met a lot of nice people. I was not intending to write horror stories or thrillers. And I was mentioning DID to make it less scary sounding. Not the opposite. It doesn't have to be that way. It can really be more like some dysregulation, memory issues, and communication issues. Bipolar as far as I've experienced does not have to be awful either. But again, I'm not a doctor and have no desire to be one. No one controls me. I'm not some mind controlling sinister presence. I'm not completely mindless either. It's been nice and quiet though. The cats doing well. I like Mauldin.