Darkness Until Dawn

 We'll be right back after these few lawsuits...

     Well, I'm going for broke. Cuz I am broke. in every sense of the word. I know my words too.      Got screwed over a good bit. But I'm back up for more. Just gotta go easy. I very much would like to survive this. So. I'm trying to recover my sense of humor. This has been really dark. I'm trying to remember the late Robin Williams. He knew how to laugh. I'm trying to remember. I'm trying to remember.       Leaves of September.      I have to find something inside myself other than a mind screwed ... darkness.      I can still make people laugh. it's just hard to do it myself. Prichards and I need a word on that. Before I start calling McClean for a reservation. God as my witness... dead or alive... whether I live or die that man will stand in court of law and defend himself. I got your records jackass. I'm coming. Bury me? they said at CCBH. They said Ashes? Bury him. You're coming too, Prichards. I swear...

     So I found out earlier this year that Malacheck died. Yeah, Malacheck was an MD at some 600 page hospital... yeah, Malacheck worked there in the nineties... He worked with Prichards... they was partners... and they knew that fella that was yellin' at me last month... he was one of their partners... and they all worked together in the nineties... that fella has a big mouth... he should take his vacation days... think about his life choices... Because I'm getting rather pissed off... and some hospital just sent me 600 pages of names, dates, medications... all that crap... any hospital employee working somewhere that just sent me 600 pages of names and dates and facts should take their vacation days, think about their life choices, and shut their damn traps... because i'm getting pissed off...      But back to Malacheck... you see he worked with Prichards down yonder... then they went off and they had a practice not far... that was before Prichards went s...

There are certain people who should not contact me, whether directly, by third party, or by smoke signal. They shouldn't contact my professionals (outside of my caseworker). my neighbors. my friends. I want to be excruciatingly clear. Some people are so deliberately deaf. Y'all need to get with the program while you still can. If I have to keep going around the community, warning you via third person, it really looks bad. Especially when by now at least a half dozen professionals in this community know everything. Not just from what I said. There's documents. There's been professional to professional communication. The hospitals know. The centers know. The MDs, the social workers, etc. So for the awareness impaired, let me be clear. My brother is not to contact me, directly or indirectly. I will not be attending family events. You've been so stubborn and willful that I can't be around you. I'll visit with two of you at a time to keep things civil. Two of you...

  Ci sono alcune persone che non dovrebbero contattarmi, né direttamente, né tramite terzi, né tramite segnali di fumo. Non dovrebbero contattare i miei professionisti (a parte il mio assistente sociale), i miei vicini, i miei amici. Voglio chiarire con estrema chiarezza. Alcune persone sono deliberatamente sorde. Dovete tutti adeguarvi al programma finché potete. Se devo continuare a girare per la comunità, avvisandovi tramite terzi, la cosa fa davvero una brutta figura. Soprattutto perché ormai almeno una mezza dozzina di professionisti in questa comunità sa tutto. Non solo da quello che ho detto. Ci sono documenti. C'è stata comunicazione tra professionisti. Gli ospedali lo sanno. I centri lo sanno. I medici, gli assistenti sociali, ecc. Quindi, per chi ha problemi di coscienza, vorrei essere chiaro. Mio fratello non deve contattarmi, né direttamente né indirettamente. Non parteciperò a eventi familiari. Siete stati così testardi e ostinati che non posso starvi vicino. Farò visi...

A few days after I got out of the hospital where people were verbally attacking my counselor, I had me a dream. I picked me up the phone. "Yes? McClean? It's Ashes and Dust, remember me? Oh, you know, runnin' around. Say, I have a technician that threatened my counselor. Would you have a room available? The Mood Disorders and Psychotic Suite, please. A year? Oh no, this one's not that strong. Let's say three weeks. Yes. Crappiest food in the house. You know the drill. You can put her in the room next to Prichards and my brother. All the happy pills she wants. Hold the benzos. Every now and then, would you open the unit door so she can see the outside? Give her a chance to run. Not too far. Allow her to flood the bathtub, if you would. I'd appreciate if you could keep an extra room available, in case any other family members or health care professionals need an ethics refresher... forgettin thier boundaries, that kinda thing. I might have a moment of conscience....

Middle of August... mid 1990s... Gray sky... a slow gust of wind carrying a cloud of leaves... they rise and dance and run away... He looked up again and saw a flight of birds cutting the sky. He did not want to go. He did not want to stay. It was just past 7 A.M. He shifted his feet, looking up and down the road waiting for the vessel that would bring him down the street and towards the new place of learning. See, he had wanted to go to the local school. Just a mile away. It wasn't up to him. He remembered what had happened at the place before. He remembered just how dark it had become. He had played with fire before. The anger was catching up. As a child, he didn't think it could be so complicated. That was supposed to come later. There was a lot to prove.  Fire was a release. Oh he liked to see it burn. The light brought him comfort. The warmth was so soothing. Sometimes, he would get with friends and they would steal some liquor. Never really thought to drink it. But boy di...