Darkness Until Dawn

Middle of August... mid 1990s... Gray sky... a slow gust of wind carrying a cloud of leaves... they rise and dance and run away... He looked up again and saw a flight of birds cutting the sky. He did not want to go. He did not want to stay. It was just past 7 A.M. He shifted his feet, looking up and down the road waiting for the vessel that would bring him down the street and towards the new place of learning. See, he had wanted to go to the local school. Just a mile away. It wasn't up to him. He remembered what had happened at the place before. He remembered just how dark it had become. He had played with fire before. The anger was catching up. As a child, he didn't think it could be so complicated. That was supposed to come later. There was a lot to prove.  Fire was a release. Oh he liked to see it burn. The light brought him comfort. The warmth was so soothing. Sometimes, he would get with friends and they would steal some liquor. Never really thought to drink it. But boy di...

Thank you for tuning into DarknessUntilDawn... I'd like to give a message from our usual Sponsors... the CDC, SCDHEC, ETC... Do not try this at home. After reading this message, click on "Personal Thoughts", "Medical", "Musical Diagnoses" and read the problem list. I literally took it right off a discharge summary.  If you are a patient, think about how carefully you take your medication, and how sick you want to be... If you have the power to prescribe... think about how sick you want your patients to be. Keep in mind those DEA numbers on your pads. They are there for a reason. If you are a health care professional... Keep HIPPA in mind when you work. Keep your patients' well-being in mind. Don't screw around with other professionals. Maintain independence. I've been thinking about South Carolina a lot. How it was. How it's changing. This is why I'd like people to tune into Poetry and "Carolina Drugs". Because I don't...

I've been thinking about Monday. Gotta hot date. This one's a looker, folks. Oh he likes my sense of humor. What should I talk about? So much on my mind... he learned my name pretty fast. We're going to a nice place. It's bright and well kept. I bet they love analogies. He likes it when I talk legal. It turns him on. He knows all my friends. I bet they are good with names. First names, last names, code names. We can play spy movie! Or clue! It was Doctor So and so with the xanax! It was professor XYZ with the roaming eyes! Oh dating is so much fun. This one has good nails. Physically fit. We can talk psychology! Extinction! Reflection! Validation! Annnnnd I feel so aliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiive! Word play! And it feels so goooood! Orange you glad you met me? I peel better these days. I've learned so much. Tell me about your father?  I like my coffee with vanilla. We'll talk about the future. building bridges. Yep, the talkers got me all set. To talk with someone el...

Mental health requires a gentle touch. Some people should not work in mental health. some people do not understand boundaries. They think they are Gods. Then people get hurt. Talking too much is a one way. Scribing too freely is a surefire way. Both at the same time? Recipe for disaster. This is why some practitioners hate me right now. this is why they can't wait to shut me up. Because they know that I know their mistakes. I am their mistakes. And the results? A mychart a mile long. Word salad.  It was a long time ago. They were all partners. There weren't proper boundaries. There were some good intentions. But when the abusers know the providers and the providers know each other and the medication and diagnoses start flying too freely... by the time you're shipped off to McClean, it's a little late. by the time of the first coma, it's a little late. Birds of a feather... the victims together... Birds of a feather... psychiatrists together... Birds of a feather... ...

My sense of humor is getting misplaced. Too much projection. Too much anger. Too little sleep. Details become clearer. Maybe the counseling is working. Now I find the stages. Ten stages.  1. Suspicion  2. Discovery  3. Chaos  4. Grieving  5. Learning  6. Reaching out  7. Dependence  8. Acceptance  9. Resolution  10. Moving on

I keep going down this road. I don't know where it's going. They've been saying I was a lost cause for decades. Decades. Decades.  13 years old. I was already running. Never really stopped. But I'm still here.  There must be a reason.

It seems like yesterday But it was long ago Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights There in the darkness with the radio playing low, and And the secrets that we shared The mountains that we moved Caught like a wildfire out of control 'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove And I remember what she said to me How she swore that it never would end I remember how she held me oh-so-tight Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then Against the wind We were runnin' against the wind We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind The years rolled slowly past And I found myself alone Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends I found myself further and further from my home, and I Guess I lost my way There were oh-so-many roads I was living to run and running to live Never worried about paying or even how much I owed Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time Breaking all of the rules that would bend I began to find my...