Darkness Until Dawn

I keep going down this road. I don't know where it's going. They've been saying I was a lost cause for decades. Decades. Decades.  13 years old. I was already running. Never really stopped. But I'm still here.  There must be a reason.

It seems like yesterday But it was long ago Janey was lovely she was the queen of my nights There in the darkness with the radio playing low, and And the secrets that we shared The mountains that we moved Caught like a wildfire out of control 'Til there was nothing left to burn and nothing left to prove And I remember what she said to me How she swore that it never would end I remember how she held me oh-so-tight Wish I didn't know now what I didn't know then Against the wind We were runnin' against the wind We were young and strong, we were runnin' against the wind The years rolled slowly past And I found myself alone Surrounded by strangers I thought were my friends I found myself further and further from my home, and I Guess I lost my way There were oh-so-many roads I was living to run and running to live Never worried about paying or even how much I owed Moving eight miles a minute for months at a time Breaking all of the rules that would bend I began to find my...

Hopefully the weekend will be quiet. I have to be ready to report in on monday... don't need anything new to say... don't need any new complaints...  Oh the internist will be so proud... I'm not sure why... I guess because I'm still intact... Yep... I'll just enjoy my coffee... because when no one is running around and no one is causing trouble the community is so much nicer... the sun shines brighter... the pills taste nicer... everything is so wonderfully boring. I'll just keep taking those blue pills, cuz I'm sure no one's gonna give me red ones... because we don't need excitment... I like how they don't print out the papers anymore... I like just posting my mychart online... so everybody knows what not to do...  That hyperlypidemia one... too much olive oil? <shrug> I wonder what it will say this time? Seasonal happy disorder? Post hospitalization exhaustion syndrome? The PA's so good with words... maybe he'll quote a new law? M...

I tested high on abstract thinking. Achilles heel. All of these life concepts, all the creative thinking, the models of recovery and of religion and of different mental health processes... white boards are a trigger. I think too much I heard that by the time a writer is 20, he has enough to write for the rest of his life. By extension, by the time you're 20, you have enough experience to do plenty. Too much experience, too much knowledge? It's all bad computer program. Too much code. I'm calling different routines, losing myself in infinite loops, blue screens, 404s, and the like. Early in your life, if you don't develop confidence, strong boundaries, and a clear identity, you'll learn so many things, you'll be lost in all that information, and you'll have hackers coming in jamming up the program. You'll be in your head everyday, searching for the viruses that only exist in your mind. So I'm cutting code, closing backdoors, freeing up memory with the...

Today, I remembered something my coach said about 30 years ago. He said that practice makes perfect is not true. He said PRACTICE makes PERMANENT. I've practiced a lot of things... among them: wrestling, soccer, tennis, running, weights, dieting, psychology, taxes, IT, different relationships, writing and above all, mental health.  Some things became permanent. That's why I want to do less. That's why I want simple. I can't please everyone. I'm tired of trying.  What are the essentials?  Financial management Cooking Cleaning Home Maintenance Mindfulness Guitar (musical outlet) writing Hygiene Fresh Air Car maintenance Rest Caring for cat Boundaries (Also part of mindfulness) Spirituality Funny thing is, the medication and the psychiatrists don't teach you these things. At least most of mine didn't. One of mine definitely taught unhealthy relationships and medication dependence. The Psychiatrists taught me the DSM and then blame me for learning it. Brilliant....

I'm continuing to work with the counselor and PA on the relationships issue. Unfortunately, I spent so long in a medical bubble with people that are so very set in their ways that it's not easy to undo this. People resent it when you challenge their beliefs. Especially if it's connected to their careers.  They want to pretend that the overuse of prescriptions is ok. That poor boundaries are ok. They want to pretend that they are the teachers, and I am the student. I can still respect them as persons while not respecting their ignorance and their inappropriate conduct. I can still report them to government agencies if needed who can then remind them of the law. It's unfortunate when this becomes necessary. I do care about people, and the people that care about those people. Yet, if people get used to being able to treat you like crap, they will keep doing it, thinking it is their right. That is why my brother and I cannot be around each other.  I certainly hope I do not ...

This is the stuff memories are made of...  Wrong. This is how they get deconstructed. Carefully, with desensitization, suggestion, restructuring, patience, and privacy. Not that I particularly wish to reveal any secrets.  You have a building. You have a waiting room. You have windows, art, water ready and chilled, mints, white noise machines, proper ventilation and climate control, motion activated cameras to observe trigger levels, dissociative states, boundary issues. It is safe. It is calm. It is quiet, but not silent. You have interns, different types of professionals, including an MD.  You have the DID see the intern, the intern then reviews with the counselor, the counselor and the intern see the DID to go together as 3. The intern gets triggered by DID, who may lie down as child, pace as protector, analyze as solver, try to teach as helper, speak in code or legalistically as gatekeeper, make friends as communicator, or none of the above. The intern leaves, the coun...