Darkness Until Dawn

So, if anyone has any questions about how to treat my professionals with respect, I refer you to your ethics requirements from your licensures, South Carolina State Law, Federal Law (including but not limited to HIPPA), SCDHEC, DSS, THE MEDICAL BOARD OF THE STATE OF SOUTH CAROLINA, OR IF NECCESSARY TO THE POLICE OR A COURT OF LAW.  You don't want to follow the law? Try me. ANY QUESTIONS? ANYONE? ANYONE FROM SOUTH CAROLINA, PLEASE? NO? SHUT YOUR DAMN TRAPS.

Oh, the Internist is gonna be so proud. I love to make my doctors PROUD.  Now it's brain fog. But hey, lost a lot of weight and stopped ADHD medication. Plus flashbacks of hospitals and of multiple near death experiences. My brain is tired.  So it's more of the same. Rest, mild exercise, nutrition, electrolyte water, calm app.  Do I revel in being miserable? Not quite. Seriously, you try stopping Clozaril after 21 years and see what happens. You stop retaining water, you stop wanting to eat, headaches, flashbacks, moodswings, BP changes, heart rate drops, even your body temperature is different. Slightly lower. Fatigue, nausea, tingling, twitches, tinnitus... feeling narcoleptic because you don't sleep deeply.  But seriously, if that stuff was helping, how did I manage to OD on three bottles of scripts while on a therapeutic dose? Anyone? Anyone at all? It wasn't helping. So now the chemically suppressed memories and emotions come out and the body struggles to keep t...

Some say love, it is a river That drowns the tender reed Some say love, it is a razor That leaves your soul to bleed Some say love, it is a hunger An endless aching need I say love, it is a flower And you, its only seed It's the heart afraid of breaking That never learns to dance It's the dream afraid of waking That never takes the chance It's the one who won't be taking Who cannot seem to give And the soul, afraid of dying That never learns to live When the night has been too lonely And the road has been too long And you think that love is only For the lucky and the strong Just remember in the winter Far beneath the bitter snows Lies the seed that with the sun's love In the spring becomes the rose

Anyways. So, meds are not the ultimate solution Diagnoses are not the ultimate solution. Genetics and chemicals? Well, I'm gonna go back to the nature vs nuture. All of these disorders? Well people like to look for answers or find causes or demons. Some people jump to look at their genes... others find a chemical or food or an environmental factor such as electronic devices or the weather... History plays a role, in combination with the rest. I do not doubt that any of the disorders are not "real". They are complex. Autism, ADHD, Depression of whatever type, and Dissociation. The thing I noticed about Covid was how psychological it became. People did die. I tested positive at one point. For me it was like a mild flu. But I saw people thinking they had it when they didn't, time after time. The thing that lasted was that autism spectrum seemed to become more widely known. I had to think about that.  ADHD... I've seen so often, parents of kids with ADHD, they get foc...

So, I've been thinking more about boundaries and minding one's own business. I used to not have the slightest understanding of boundaries. I applied rules. Simplistic ones. Then I came off Clozaril and my feelings opened up. Man. Coming off Minipress was an extremely frightening experience. Shit got epically real in all the wrong ways. Do not ever take that red pill. Don't do it. I'm telling you. Those things are highly dangerous.  Coming off Clozaril was much different. It was like leaving the matrix and seeing reality for the first time. Both the internal reality and the external. Oh, Prichards was angry. He was no longer God. He was also afraid. He was afraid for the world to see what he had created. And then everyone was afraid. I didn't like what I saw in many cases. People didn't like that I could see. I could see the fakeness. I could see the façades. I could see the corruption. I could see the dirt, and the ugliness. Oh they came up with all sorts of nam...

Cross your fingers folks. I told my family how the community feels. They stopped talking for once. Maybe they actually heard you this time. Doctors, nurses, techs, hold your breath. Maybe my family will go easy. I told them what you said. All the pissed off parts, pretty much. 

Today is Easter. There were periods of months that I did not know what day it was. I am closer to the ground and yet I open my eyes and the world is so far away. I am long past the point of no return. Whoever or whatever I was, that person is long gone. As much as MIP or people in my life would like to drag me back into what I once appeared to be, it is simply not possible. I was a drugged body with emotions laid on top of a broken mind. My life was and still is a living nightmare. The darkness was drugged into the background, and now it is an open wound.  I am still broken. That doesn't change quickly. It doesn't change easily. You may not see it just by looking at me, but look more deeply and you will see the pieces of me. It hurts to smile. It's difficult to laugh. My memory is in disarray. Physically, I am whole. This mind is damaged. Don't try to drag me out, you won't like what you see. Don't try to fix me, it will blow up in your face.  My head hurts ever...