Darkness Until Dawn

Cross your fingers folks. I told my family how the community feels. They stopped talking for once. Maybe they actually heard you this time. Doctors, nurses, techs, hold your breath. Maybe my family will go easy. I told them what you said. All the pissed off parts, pretty much. 

Today is Easter. There were periods of months that I did not know what day it was. I am closer to the ground and yet I open my eyes and the world is so far away. I am long past the point of no return. Whoever or whatever I was, that person is long gone. As much as MIP or people in my life would like to drag me back into what I once appeared to be, it is simply not possible. I was a drugged body with emotions laid on top of a broken mind. My life was and still is a living nightmare. The darkness was drugged into the background, and now it is an open wound.  I am still broken. That doesn't change quickly. It doesn't change easily. You may not see it just by looking at me, but look more deeply and you will see the pieces of me. It hurts to smile. It's difficult to laugh. My memory is in disarray. Physically, I am whole. This mind is damaged. Don't try to drag me out, you won't like what you see. Don't try to fix me, it will blow up in your face.  My head hurts ever...

I do not like weapons. I bought my first self-defense weapon in 2024. I say that because it was the first time I bought a weapon with the intention to defend my person long term.  It happened during tax season. One too many verbal assaults. There were 2 I can remember considering contacting law enforcement. A big guy that started screaming "BULLSHIT" when I tried to explain that I could not deduct certain trucker expenses due to changes in the tax law. It took multiple employees from multiple offices to talk him down. The woman that would not stop pressuring me to base a tax return off an online estimate and started screaming. There was a mentally ill woman who would not go away. A smooth-talking Northeasterner that would not stop contacting me. A bully who the women wouldn't work with. Yay for being male. There was one that came back, insisting on voiding a signed document that had already been processed. I'm a fairly big guy. It's not incredibly often people try...

 Dear Public, Do not take drugs. DRUGS COME FROM PHARMACIES. FOR ANYONE WILLFULLY NOT PAYING ATTENTION, THIS SHIT KILLS YOU. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. THEY WILL NUMB YOU OUT. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS, THEY DISTORT YOUR JUDGEMENT. DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. YOU END UP MESSED UP. For further details, please consult "Personal Thoughts", "Personal Thoughts - medical", or ask to see my mychart, then consult an LPC.  DO NOT TAKE THE DRUGS. Thank You.

Let's see, what's the latest bullshit? It's circulating widely. The DSM is getting vaguer. People keep talking bullshit, they find new words for it... Something wrapped up and resold every day. That's why I have to persistently unwrap this stuff. Demystify. So we can all know it for the Bullshit that it is.  How many drugs can we repackage in different ways? I want people to know how this shit kills you. I want them to see the myChart. I want them to see the problem list. Let's just publish it all. We'll make pamphlets and fliers... RITALIN, GET YOUR RITALIN! Lithium! Seroquel! See how fast it kills you! Liver damage, Nausea, Constipation, BP changes, EKGS, GET YOUR EKGS! Wanna a resting pulse of 95-100? Take your Clozaril, call me in the morning about the cravings, the immune system, check with a nutritionist 50 times a year. Oh you'll be strong. Completely Numb. Spaced out. Useless. A complete burden on society. One day at a time, a few hundred mg... You...

Carolina Drugs! ((Chorus)) Carolina...knows how to drug me! Carolina...knows how to drug me! In the citaaay of GSP (yeah, yeah) In the citaaay of good ol' gReedy In the citaaay, the city of Maudlin We keep it druggin! We keep it druggin! Yeah! Now let me welcome every patient to the mild, mild South! A state that's untouchable like Jesus himself. The pills hit ya esophagus and soon ya depressed Pack a script in your pocket, seek out EMS We inna Palmetto state wit our gospel and country  A state where ya never find a waiting room empty Pharms on a mission for the perfect drug Selling it up with the CHING and a snarky shrug I been in the game for 30 years bein loons Now Memorial switched itself to Maroons Back in '97 they used to chart me N watch me Scrubs shinin like I robbed tha supply room It's all blessed, from the foothills to tha harbor My minds running around, back and forth, now it's farther Throw up a script if ya think they fixed me Ashes puttin it down for ...

Nothing like a good cup of coffee in the morning. I've been making instant. I can't find the espresso grinder.  I met a guy named Joe. Sharp fellow. He keeps it simple. Joe's not into bullshit. He doesn't care about names. He doesn't use fancy words. But he understands them. Yep, we could use a few more Joe's.  I knew a George. He kept it simple. Oh but he loves those analogies. I seem to remember a Keisha... there was definitely a Beth... yep... a few voices here and there...  What do these voices say? You have a good goal... Strong Boundaries... Bipolar is one of the most over diagnosed things in the book... Don't go back to the table... Enmeshed... Think for yourself... Natural solutions... Clozaril doesn't help you... I don't want to talk to your family... Medical leave... Lean on your counselor... Stay out of hospitals... PTSD... You're not dangerous... Dissociation... Journal... Process... Medical complex trauma... Stay away from meds... Do...