Darkness Until Dawn

Nothing like a good cup of coffee in the morning. I've been making instant. I can't find the espresso grinder.  I met a guy named Joe. Sharp fellow. He keeps it simple. Joe's not into bullshit. He doesn't care about names. He doesn't use fancy words. But he understands them. Yep, we could use a few more Joe's.  I knew a George. He kept it simple. Oh but he loves those analogies. I seem to remember a Keisha... there was definitely a Beth... yep... a few voices here and there...  What do these voices say? You have a good goal... Strong Boundaries... Bipolar is one of the most over diagnosed things in the book... Don't go back to the table... Enmeshed... Think for yourself... Natural solutions... Clozaril doesn't help you... I don't want to talk to your family... Medical leave... Lean on your counselor... Stay out of hospitals... PTSD... You're not dangerous... Dissociation... Journal... Process... Medical complex trauma... Stay away from meds... Do...

I like the buproprion. It's orange. My school color. Now, the propranolol's are blue... I look good in blue... Ativan's yellow... I don't like yellow. Dirty. Pristiq is brown. I like brown. It's a good color... the prilosecs are white and purple like... that's creative... keep taking those... why they make hydroxzine white? I mean, come on!  You take the blue pill, you go back to your life, like nothing ever happened...  You take the red pill, you see how far down the rabbit hole this goes.  I'm hunting wabbits... ders a Psychiatrist around the corner... ready to tell me my fortune and get an insurance payout. How many pills can they manufacture? I'll bury a few out back. See if they grow. Or we can just add them to the water supply. Nevermind fluoride. My teeth ain't broke yet. Let's see... take a stop down by valium, turn left by klonopin... past what's that version of ativan that lasts longer?  Ah. Minipress. Those were the days... Be care...

Let's see, who does not yet know, through paperwork or otherwise, that I have health problems? I could go camping next week, then those people will know. I could move to Hawaii, then Hawaii will know. Hablo Espanol. Mexico is nice this time of year. Maybe Canada has a clinic. Georgia probably already knows... I could always remind McClean. Or Lost'n Rigged. I saw that Einstein shrink. The PhD in MA. Clarity, Clarify... there's bound to be a shrink in West Virginia that doesn't know. Word travels more slowly there. MUSC knows... Beth Israel Deaconess, how could they forget? They brought me back from Coma #2. The device in my chest is tracked by insurance and doctors, they all know... I hear McClean has so many campuses now! Tomorrow is a new Center! Ill spread the Gospel like wildfire! No, maybe only so many people NEED to know... that boundaries thing... it keeps coming up. Complex medical trauma... who wants to learn? Rule number one: doctors are not your family. Rule ...

 I divided my favorites list on Walmart+ Self Care    Lightweight low dust litter tidy cat    Friskies cat food    Baking soda    Hypoallergenic soap    Irish spring    old spice    Axe body spray    Laundry detergent with oxi    Nasogel sinus moisturizer    Crest Mult symptom alcohol free mouthwash    Dish pods    Dr Teals magnesium or lemon probiotic    Multivitamin    Hart corded earplugs with carrying case    Loop noise canceling plugs    Scope mouthwash, alcohol free    Purple fluoride wash on occasion (dry mouth)    Epsom salt    Body Oil Freezer     Frozen fruits for smoothies     Frozen fresh veggies     Blue Bell ice cream Pantry    Pepperidge Oatmeal Bread    Chamomile tea, probiotic tea    Ginger ale    Rao's homema...

 I got a little off track. DID Roles. I figured them out.  Child Communicator     Psychology     Childhood     Running, physical and mental Gatekeeper     Guitar     Teens     Law, right and wrong Helper     Crisisline     Young Adult Solver     Accounting     IT     Adult Going on with Life / Continuing     Adult     Lives normal life. Cooks. Schedules. Protector     Wrestling     Physical tasks Unitary     The Destination or Master     Created in Counseling by a Non-Psychiatrist who's not addicted to Bullshit and Psychosis All associated with different times, thoughts, functions, day to day skills, memories, people, trauma triggers.

When I first learned about DID, I knew it from schooling. The old DSM IV name. Multiple Personality Disorder. Movies like "Split", "Me, Myself, and Irene", "Multiplicity", "What about Bob", "Girl Interrupted" (Peripherally, at least... Borderline is close), "Playing by Heart", "As Good as it Gets" (identity concepts), spy movies, serial killer profiles, and movie star references. It's not a flattering dx. As one MIP shrink liked to say, it is  one of the hardest dx's to treat. It does not respond to medication. Not well. It is not a Gold Star. It is not a badge of honor. It it associated with so very many problems starting with Body Dysmorphic, running through substance use, down past highly dangerous behaviors including self-harm (a hallmark) ... sometimes I think it's the male version of Borderline. Shrink won't diagnose you Borderline if you are male. They will put you in PTSD or Bipolar or Depress...

You ask me if I love you   And I choke on my reply I'd rather hurt you, honestly Than mislead you with a lie And who am I to judge you On what you say or do? I'm only just beginning To see the real you And sometimes when we touch The honesty's too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I wanna hold you 'til I die 'Til we both break down and cry I wanna hold you 'Til the fear in me subsides Romance and all its strategy Leaves me battling with my pride But through the insecurity Some tenderness survives I'm just another writer Still trapped within my truth A hesitant prize fighter Still trapped within my youth Sometimes when we touch The honesty's too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I wanna hold you 'til I die 'Til we both break down and cry I wanna hold you 'Til the fear in me subsides At times I'd like to break you And drive you to your knees At times I'd ...