Darkness Until Dawn

 I got a little off track. DID Roles. I figured them out.  Child Communicator     Psychology     Childhood     Running, physical and mental Gatekeeper     Guitar     Teens     Law, right and wrong Helper     Crisisline     Young Adult Solver     Accounting     IT     Adult Going on with Life / Continuing     Adult     Lives normal life. Cooks. Schedules. Protector     Wrestling     Physical tasks Unitary     The Destination or Master     Created in Counseling by a Non-Psychiatrist who's not addicted to Bullshit and Psychosis All associated with different times, thoughts, functions, day to day skills, memories, people, trauma triggers.

When I first learned about DID, I knew it from schooling. The old DSM IV name. Multiple Personality Disorder. Movies like "Split", "Me, Myself, and Irene", "Multiplicity", "What about Bob", "Girl Interrupted" (Peripherally, at least... Borderline is close), "Playing by Heart", "As Good as it Gets" (identity concepts), spy movies, serial killer profiles, and movie star references. It's not a flattering dx. As one MIP shrink liked to say, it is  one of the hardest dx's to treat. It does not respond to medication. Not well. It is not a Gold Star. It is not a badge of honor. It it associated with so very many problems starting with Body Dysmorphic, running through substance use, down past highly dangerous behaviors including self-harm (a hallmark) ... sometimes I think it's the male version of Borderline. Shrink won't diagnose you Borderline if you are male. They will put you in PTSD or Bipolar or Depress...

You ask me if I love you   And I choke on my reply I'd rather hurt you, honestly Than mislead you with a lie And who am I to judge you On what you say or do? I'm only just beginning To see the real you And sometimes when we touch The honesty's too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I wanna hold you 'til I die 'Til we both break down and cry I wanna hold you 'Til the fear in me subsides Romance and all its strategy Leaves me battling with my pride But through the insecurity Some tenderness survives I'm just another writer Still trapped within my truth A hesitant prize fighter Still trapped within my youth Sometimes when we touch The honesty's too much And I have to close my eyes and hide I wanna hold you 'til I die 'Til we both break down and cry I wanna hold you 'Til the fear in me subsides At times I'd like to break you And drive you to your knees At times I'd ...

Well, the hospital talked to the doctor talked to the internist talked to the counselor talked to the... wait? What's on the chart? Let's see... Blood Pressure, 135/84 (Not bad!) Pulse 68 (Great!) Weight: gained a couple pounds back Problem List: (This is the funny part) Annual wellness exam (As if that is useful) Long term use of drug (they're called prescriptions. You wrote them) Chronic midline backpain without sciatica (as if that is unusual) GERD (from taking clozaril and eating too much plus stress) High risk medication use (kinda repetitive) Severe episode of Recurrent major depressive disorder, WITHOUT psychotic features) Sleep apnea, Obstructive (I don't sleep so good. Thanks, Clozaril weight gain plus stress) Deviated nasal septum (from an impact) Chronic Idiopathic constipation (gotta love this terminology) Auditory processing Disorder (Don't hear so great) GERD with esophagitis (As if that wasn't mentioned above) Treatment resistant DEPRESSION (they ...

 They started describing it alternatively as obsessions, bizarre thoughts, Hallucinations, voices... finally it drifted to intrusive thoughts and occasionally back to hallucinations, depending on the source. If it's past related, it's generally called voices, flashbacks, dissociations, or intrusive thoughts. If it's substance or medically related, it's voices or hallucinations. If it's present time related, it's the obsessions or bizarre thoughts.  Intrusive thoughts are generally related to past experience but are triggered by things that happen in the present. Anything sensory that triggers a past association. My most common ones are seeing or hearing people from the past or seeing or hearing the same stimuli from the past. MIP. So many intrusive thoughts can come. Unfortunately, I know every square inch. It all has memories. Now it feels like intrusive checking. The same people with the same judgments and concerns coming back for more. The Psychiatrists and r...

I've been thinking about trust a lot lately. I've got my categories. Community I can see and hear you. You are animate... living and breathing. Person     I've met you. I may know your name. You're not an animal. I don't treat you like one. Acquaintance     I've met you. We've interacted on multiple occasions. I know your name. I may not always remember it. Favors are limited based on need and give and take. Friend     I interact with you regularly or repeatedly over a long period of time. I know your name. I almost always remember it. Favors are limited based more on need then give and take. Relative      You have a biological or contractual connection to me or someone with that connection. Family      You live with me. You may be a cat, dog, or other domestic animal. Professional/Client     I interact with you only when you are under a contract to do so or are being paid to do so and vice versa. If you/I are not bei...

Now and then I think of when we were together Like when you said you felt so happy you could die Told myself that you were right for me But felt so lonely in your company But that was love and it's an ache I still remember You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness Like resignation to the end, always the end So when we found that we could not make sense Well, you said that we would still be friends But I'll admit that I was glad it was over But you didn't have to cut me off Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing And I don't even need your love But you treat me like a stranger and that feels so rough No, you didn't have to stoop so low Have your friends collect your records and then change your number I guess that I don't need that though Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now you're just somebody that I used to know Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me ove...