Darkness Until Dawn

 So in the hospital, I was talking about trauma memories. Symbols. Places. That kind of thing, And then they changed it to bipolar again, and I really don't think they actually believe that they just want me to stay away from certain people. Hence the boundaries. You don't fix this with medication. That's not how it works. I was not manic. You know this. I was dissociating. It was obvious. This is not bipolar. It never was. You know this.  My family wants it to be bipolar, so it can be the meds, and it can be Gateway. Gateway's never going to take someone with a trauma disorder. That's not what they do. Just because you change a code. That doesn't make it true. That's why clozaril doesn't work.  But people are still gonna look for a place to put me, even if that place doesn't want me. A fake dx don't make the wheels turn. you knew it too. You emphasized the boundaries. You hated the memories and symbols. Because this is not bipolar. You think Gat...

I used a lot of coping skills in the ER, as dissociated as I was. I counted things. Lots of imagery. I visited so many places. Around SC. Around the US. Around the world. I looked at outer space. At stars. I used ocean waves. Rain. Beaches. Forests. I rode leaves down streams. Jumped frogs. Waded in creeks. Built things. Watched fireworks. I floated in water. Mostly in the ocean. I collected shells. I saw waterfalls. I played almost every song I could think of. I reviewed intellectual topics. The military is a favorite. I contemplated different ships. The F-35. International Relations. Politics a little. Different people. Famous ones. I was the wind. I was the rain. I flew. I went swimming in the ocean. I closed my eyes and I went away. My mind was busy going here and there. I remembered conversations, certain memories.  I played with animals and critters some. I felt the sheets. They gave me some sprite. I focused on the bubbles. It was actually more nature imagery then music. But...

The blood pressure was 149/92. Repairs are underway.  Everywhere I go, I get comments. To the store, out to eat, in the parking lot, at the library, everywhere. Checkers keep checking. But my stomach has calmed down. I've been eating more.  When I volunteered at crisisline, I heard many things. At times, we had to work with the police. At times, 911. All sorts of problems. On the main line. On Julie Valentine. On Safe Harbor. Some of the things I said then, I wouldn't say now. Some of the things I didn't fully understand, I understand better now. Some of the strange behavior. Some of the attitudes. The thoughts. It makes more sense. There were hospitals that threatened people with restraining orders then. They do it now too. Trauma works in weird ways. There were people that wouldn't leave other people alone no matter what. That hasn't changed. There were people who were in bad situations. Who could have left. But this was their home. They wouldn't leave. There ...

Everybody's got a voice right? Well, I heard a few voices in the hospital. Only these were real. From technicians to nurses to doctors to whatever their positions were. It wasn't just one or two. There was a clear message. One they wanted me to send. That message was "fuck off". They were quite passionate about this message. So I gotta pass it on. As a courtesy. How do you know when you have a problem? When the hospital staff is literally instructing you on how to tell people in your life to fuck off. And I gotta respect that. Because people do get pissed off. They get pissed off when members of the community are having other members of the community moved from this center to that center to this hospital to that hospital and getting a new label every day. It does piss people off. Especially if those members of the community are trying to manage the medication of other members of the community, generate referrals out of thin air, contradict the orders of the hospital o...

Well, heard back from the psychiatrist, steady as she goes there. Maintain strong boundaries, communicate with internist. I left a message with the internist. I don't know how someone could think so much and have trouble keeping thoughts together. But this isn't supposed to be a race. Seems that with my stress level going down, the physical and mental symptoms have improved. My energy is still very low. If the world can be patient, I can be patient. There's some past to get past. I did push too hard at the tax office. I get so excited about working and towards deadline time I was barely holding on. Yet that or mental illness seems to be all people know about me sometimes. I don't need people to know a lot. I don't see why I have to talk so much. I like keeping my peace.  What with this weather I'm not excited about picking up the refill. I have the old ones. I think I may have to just use the smaller tablets, same dose. Same medicine. I so do not want to go back...

 I am the mirage in your mind Whatever you see in me is not really there Whatever you hear is an illusion of your mind If you need me, you have me in your mind you can visit me there... My body is not who I am Nor is my mind. Do not chase me in the desert For you will die of thirst. But I am there for you when you need me I'm there in your mind's eye If I am in your heart, That is your choice But do not chase me. I am your hallucination I am your imagination Do not chase what is not real For you will never catch it. I am your mirage. I am imperfect. Let me fade. ©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

I was a little restless last night. Took the hydrozine yesterday and that helped. Been thinking about the specific things I need to do. 1. update internist 2. get refill 3. House Prep 4. appointment 5. Get some more food basics 6. file tax extension Still getting lost in my head and sensitive to noise. Applying maximum boundaries and prioritizing medical, keeping my head clear, and my eyes forward. If other people can just filter me out, that's what I need. I don't know what one reasonably accomplishes in one day, but I do not have the energy to deal with anyone for the foreseeable future. And the more you drag me in, the less I will be able to be in your life. If you don't want me to be a problem, stay away from me, filter me out, pretend you don't know me, for the love of God, ignore me as much as possible. This is exhausting. Do not make me be a problem.