Darkness Until Dawn

Everybody's got a voice right? Well, I heard a few voices in the hospital. Only these were real. From technicians to nurses to doctors to whatever their positions were. It wasn't just one or two. There was a clear message. One they wanted me to send. That message was "fuck off". They were quite passionate about this message. So I gotta pass it on. As a courtesy. How do you know when you have a problem? When the hospital staff is literally instructing you on how to tell people in your life to fuck off. And I gotta respect that. Because people do get pissed off. They get pissed off when members of the community are having other members of the community moved from this center to that center to this hospital to that hospital and getting a new label every day. It does piss people off. Especially if those members of the community are trying to manage the medication of other members of the community, generate referrals out of thin air, contradict the orders of the hospital o...

Well, heard back from the psychiatrist, steady as she goes there. Maintain strong boundaries, communicate with internist. I left a message with the internist. I don't know how someone could think so much and have trouble keeping thoughts together. But this isn't supposed to be a race. Seems that with my stress level going down, the physical and mental symptoms have improved. My energy is still very low. If the world can be patient, I can be patient. There's some past to get past. I did push too hard at the tax office. I get so excited about working and towards deadline time I was barely holding on. Yet that or mental illness seems to be all people know about me sometimes. I don't need people to know a lot. I don't see why I have to talk so much. I like keeping my peace.  What with this weather I'm not excited about picking up the refill. I have the old ones. I think I may have to just use the smaller tablets, same dose. Same medicine. I so do not want to go back...

 I am the mirage in your mind Whatever you see in me is not really there Whatever you hear is an illusion of your mind If you need me, you have me in your mind you can visit me there... My body is not who I am Nor is my mind. Do not chase me in the desert For you will die of thirst. But I am there for you when you need me I'm there in your mind's eye If I am in your heart, That is your choice But do not chase me. I am your hallucination I am your imagination Do not chase what is not real For you will never catch it. I am your mirage. I am imperfect. Let me fade. ©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

I was a little restless last night. Took the hydrozine yesterday and that helped. Been thinking about the specific things I need to do. 1. update internist 2. get refill 3. House Prep 4. appointment 5. Get some more food basics 6. file tax extension Still getting lost in my head and sensitive to noise. Applying maximum boundaries and prioritizing medical, keeping my head clear, and my eyes forward. If other people can just filter me out, that's what I need. I don't know what one reasonably accomplishes in one day, but I do not have the energy to deal with anyone for the foreseeable future. And the more you drag me in, the less I will be able to be in your life. If you don't want me to be a problem, stay away from me, filter me out, pretend you don't know me, for the love of God, ignore me as much as possible. This is exhausting. Do not make me be a problem.

I also want to reemphasize the importance of boundaries. You see something on this site that might hurt someone's feelings or cause harm, you don't need to share it with them. Whether that is your friend, a neighbor, a family member, this site is not intended for people to use it as a tool to cause harm. It is not an advisory site. It is not intended as a gossip column. Read it if it benefits you personally. If it helps you to deal with something, entertains you, benefits you in some way. Don't use it against anyone. Don't read it if it upsets you. Don't take it as life advice. If you are under the age of 18, consult an adult if you have concerns or are upset by the content. This site does not endorse drug use, unsafe sex, gambling, risk taking, or irresponsible behavior of any kind. If you or a loved one are in Crisis, please call the 988 hotline for mental health support, 911 for medical support. 

The checkers are at it again. They check, recheck, cross check, check again, find this person to drag in or that person to manipulate, then they find something new to complain about. It changes by the hour, the complaints and the solutions and the people they try to manipulate or complain to. It's a regular newsflash around here. Every minute they find a problem to obsess about. Then it's check, recheck, cross check, find someone to drag in or demonize. It never ends. Each day it starts, and it goes from here to there and back again. Yep, here's something new. This is the wrong color. This doesn't taste quite right? Who is not good enough at this moment. Is it this person? that person? who can we blame now? How do we fix and control and arrange the world in this exact moment? Oh, let's blame this person. Let's fix this. Let's slam and run around and do all this ridiculousness and then talk about our greatness. Uh no! This person didn't use the right word...

     What did learn from this most recent Inpatient? I learned what to filter out. What limits to set. They didn't like that I was there. Again. But I thought of what key people have told me. The psychiatrists that follow me, the counselor that follows me, and the psychologist from the outpatient program. Avoiding making friends with dysfunctional people. Ignoring their games and their misguided comments. Filtering things out. Not being so focused on names. not playing different people against each other. sticking to basic truths.     I learned more about w hat things to ignore. When to say enough is enough. Shutting down gossip and not buying into beliefs that are not healthy. When I need to be clear. When I need to make threats. How to process and let go of what remains.       I was there for a week. I did a lot of thinking. There are people whose advice remains guiding principles. The rest, unfortunately, I have to let roll off. I've had a...