Darkness Until Dawn

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The checkers are at it again. They check, recheck, cross check, check again, find this person to drag in or that person to manipulate, then they find something new to complain about. It changes by the hour, the complaints and the solutions and the people they try to manipulate or complain to. It's a regular newsflash around here. Every minute they find a problem to obsess about. Then it's check, recheck, cross check, find someone to drag in or demonize. It never ends. Each day it starts, and it goes from here to there and back again. Yep, here's something new. This is the wrong color. This doesn't taste quite right? Who is not good enough at this moment. Is it this person? that person? who can we blame now? How do we fix and control and arrange the world in this exact moment? Oh, let's blame this person. Let's fix this. Let's slam and run around and do all this ridiculousness and then talk about our greatness. Uh no! This person didn't use the right word...

     What did learn from this most recent Inpatient? I learned what to filter out. What limits to set. They didn't like that I was there. Again. But I thought of what key people have told me. The psychiatrists that follow me, the counselor that follows me, and the psychologist from the outpatient program. Avoiding making friends with dysfunctional people. Ignoring their games and their misguided comments. Filtering things out. Not being so focused on names. not playing different people against each other. sticking to basic truths.     I learned more about w hat things to ignore. When to say enough is enough. Shutting down gossip and not buying into beliefs that are not healthy. When I need to be clear. When I need to make threats. How to process and let go of what remains.       I was there for a week. I did a lot of thinking. There are people whose advice remains guiding principles. The rest, unfortunately, I have to let roll off. I've had a...

 Well, it went back up again. 144/87. I'd better update the psychiatrist. Tomorrow it's the picking up of the meds, calling the internist, and visiting the house again. Y'all know who you are. Don't get too involved in this shit. You know my name. Use it if you need to. But this blood pressure thing has to have my attention right now. My foot is usually best in the middle of the day. So that's when I'll do my necessary driving. Medication refill. Go by the house. Counseling checks on me at 2. This is my life. now you all can see. This is it. day by day. Is it pretty? This is me trying to mind my own business. Not cause harm. This is it. You don't have to see me. You don't have to know me. You can mind your own business too. For me it has to revolve around doctors and symptoms. No Center or person with letters after their name can change that. I don't know how much you want me to do. But my body is only so strong. The medical tests can't be faked....

     How many names do I need to know? Seriously? Do I need to know everyone's name? But oh no, he doesn't know this person's name or that person's name!! National Emergency. Call 911, he doesn't know my name! How many names do I really need to know?       If they ask me to consult XYZ one more, I'm going to go ballistic. He is not the only doctor in this world, and it really is pissing the doctors off to have other doctors giving feedback. It's not ethical. We need to take that name down a few notches. It's pissing people off. If I have to be the one to say it, then I'll say it for the benefit of the community. It's just a name. Take it down a few notches.      Some people in particular need to hear that and they're rather pissed off at me right now. There are other people in this community and people with my last name do not need to be controlling the community or causing chaos. It's getting old. They're getting pissed off. It's...

     The thing about people with letters, the doctors, the social workers, the counselors... They don't like being manipulated. They don't like it when you don't follow their instructions, they don't like having opinions fed to them, they don't like not being included in decisions, they don't like other people with letters interfering, and don't like being gossiped about. I've made these mistakes. But these people with letters don't stop interfering with each other, then shit storm gets worse. LET THEM DO THEIR JOBS. DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM. DON'T FEED THEM OPINIONS. I CAN'T CONTROL THEM ANYMORE THEN YOU CAN. And if you have letters after your name and someone with letters finds out you contradicted your instructions for someone under your care, that really pisses you off.       The internist said stay at home. STAY AT HOME. HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND. AM I GONNA HAVE TO RECORD HER VOICE AND PLAY IT BACK FOR YOU? IS THAT WHAT IT TAKES? ...

       Yesterday my blood pressure was 129/88. My right foot still tingles and stops responding at times. The headaches and weird head sensations have calmed down. I think that was more stress. Still some chest pain yesterday. Liver occasionally feels weird. Trying to make sure I take the Prilosec on the empty stomach and the others with food.       I've come out of a coma twice. My body is not that strong. You'd better wipe those damn smiles off your faces. This shit isn't funny.       I really don't need fancy things. I need to not be running around town, exhausting myself when my body doesn't reliably function. I need to not have to call EMS. I need to avoid stress and allergens, which happen to occur in many places around town. I mean right now my right foot barely moves! And you want me driving? Brilliant. I have to keep people safe too. How many EMTS and doctors have to tell me to rest and take care of myself before peopl...