Darkness Until Dawn

 I figured today I might as well review the medical some more. there's plenty of it. I've lost my privacy. What does it matter to lose some more.  ER - Abnormal Results Acetaminophen Level - Low Ketones - High Neutrophilis - High Lymphocytes - Low Anion Gap (whatever that means) - High CO2 - Low Nothing wrong Doc? you sure? You kept me for a reason, yes? well there you go. You did your job. The staff can save their comments and threats. And if they start a catheter and refuse to change the bag, there's a lawyer for that too. Don't act like you don't know that I'm in pain. You got eyes and ears. Don't pretend I didn't say something. And instructing me to change it myself. There's malpractice right there. Yeah, I know big words, too. I'd rather not use them. I'm tired of this shit. You got cameras and microphones. Play them. See what happens. You want a lawsuit? you want the state asking questions? you better be damned careful. I really don...

     This medical stuff is absolutely insane on its own. I've got more lab tests and doctors and visits, and my life revolves around this stuff. Keytones, CO2, it doesn't even have to be labels or drugs, just the basic lab results are something of their own. Eating regularly, using the CPAP, avoiding dust... talking just isn't easy any way you put it. My energy is not that high. Maybe it looks it. It's not.       This morning it's my liver that I'm noticing. Right foot is still a little funky. I've been told I'm focusing on the problems. The CPAP and the eating and the natural stuff. That's the solutions. The meds... the antidepressants help. Seroquel seems to help. I've got to be careful with my body. I still don't see how Gateway or Phoenix is going to help with this. There's a lot of medical that neither place would ever address.      T he doctors are enough to keep up with. I don't know exactly how the VNS change factors in. if it...

     At the ER I had low CO2 levels. that doesn't happen unless you're not getting enough oxygen. I've had trouble using the CPAP machine. Hallucinations can result from low oxygen levels. Or not eating enough. Whatever the initial cause was, I think the low CO2 levels mean more then the rest of what they found. I've gotten a lot of heat for the CPAP machine. Hospitals don't like it. Centers don't like it. It takes maintenance, it is loud, it is messy with the cables and tubes. I wasn't using it enough. the losses of consciousness, the hallucinations... I need to eat more and to use the CPAP more. My body's not that strong. 

     So here's something strange. Honestly, I don't feel like I've put a huge amount of conscious thought into this VNS device. It's one of those things that I don't feel I should try to understand that much, and it seems strange to me that people would want to know unless they have to. But the device is quite peculiar, and unfortunately by now I've had so many doctors, I was rather preferring to resign myself to being managed rather than actually managing all this.       Yet, in 2020, I made that decision to try being more natural. I've questioned that decision every single day. First it was no more Clozaril. Then it was the CPAP I started using less. Now it's the VNS. Now I'm having to use the CPAP again. Decrease one medication or intervention, back to another.      The neurologist no more a fan of the VNS decision than the psychiatrist about the Clozaril. At least I avoided feeling the need to threaten a lawsuit. My popularity among ...

One foot in front of the other We all sprint for the finish line. Key in the ignition The pistons fall into motion Neuron charge to neuron charge My head goes round in circles I wanna run the distance It’s oh so long a trail Paranoid I turn my head And there you are a following I wanna be beautiful too Just like you The engine runs But it’s falling apart Frightened, I turn to you Running my fingers down your face Tracing something that can’t be traced Following an invisible course Into your consciousness I find my place Down here in front of you Reaching up through space To try to reach into your consciousness I cannot break your consciousness So close and yet so far Carefully, slowly, my finger withdraws Fill this pause up With words that remain unsaid All the world up in your eyes Break me, hate me, just hear my words! I know your future holds great things And I’d never wish to destroy what it brings I won’t blame you if you run… I will still find my way when this is done. All I desi...

Inspiration is a demon And it watches me. I’d rather not hear the clock. When fingers move of their own accord I fear the consequences. Check, check, recheck. I’d like to have fewer opinions Yours or mine, It makes no difference. When fingers are like machine guns… Then you have a problem. Why they move, I do not know. Yet they insist on doing so. ©️ 2025, Accountec, LLC

     This iz yor FABORITE arachnid here, Spidey! A warm shout out to di Angels ob di Nort Wing ob di castle. Serbin di fiercest since 1969!