Darkness Until Dawn

I have lost my way before, it's true. I have retreated into the distance, pulling back from the world in pursuit of shelter from the storm. But this... this perversion of existence I am now facing... I could not have imagined it. Before I had more questions then answers, and I yearned for those answers and the clarity I thought they would bring. But now... now there are no answers at all. Worse, I fear the answers so intensely that I no longer seek them. After so long of feeling lost, without purpose, without shelter... I feel like I have to redefine those words to incorporate this new reality.  It's been days here in this void, stumbling through the darkness. I know not what this place is or why I'm here. I have no map, nor compass or path to guide me. Even the stars are denied to me. The fog that surrounds me does not discriminate between earth and sky.  The air is cold and colder still... by now the chill echoes in my bones, as if the very air is trying to assault me. Wi...

I can honestly say I never understood the world. I was naïve. The people around me told me I had to change, to be like them. I wanted to, but I could not. So instead, I changed in other, much different ways, till eventually I did not recognize myself anymore. As the world around me demanded more and more of me I tried less and less because the gap between what I could do and what they wanted was already a canyon. I wanted to be like them. I envied their communication skills, their focus, and above all their organization and ability to make sense of things. I wanted to jump that canyon. I didn't want to be a project, I wanted to be a success, but still be me. And eventually I would try to jump a canyon, though not successfully. For now, I learned to live in the shadows. The further you slip into the shadows the less they notice you. At first, it was almost like a beautiful serenity, like an emancipation. I no longer cared what they wanted, what they thought, what they demanded. And ...

I am the Watcher. I watch the night. And when it’s not looking, I chase the light. - ShadowsNdust And so I came to fear this night that was falling across all of my life. I still had more questions then answers. Why was this happening? Why me? Why was it getting worse? Was there a way to stop it? If couldn’t stop it, where would this all end? When the night strikes, there is no concept of innocense. When the night strikes, it destroys things. Nothing is more powerful then the night. But I quickly came to realize that I was the only one who could blunt its blows. I was the only one who could contain it. So I watch the Night, every minute of every hour. The Night is relentless. The danger is constant. So I must be vigilant. I must be ready when the night strikes. And maybe, over the next horizon, dawn awaits… Light! Cascading down in a stream so luminous that one cannot fathom darkness, so clear that you cannot imagine haze. The sun, rising in the morning, slowly, silently, the massive s...

  I lost my way back in my youth My hard sought honor withering before the truth This path I walked, I walked alone.  This world a harder place then I had known. I hated the witheredd silence They sent me away from both family and friend In all those days that I was apart Drugs saved my life but broke my heart. I pleaded with God to help me come back Prayers and hopes that I will not retract. Every day I asked him this Steady the way to recovering what was missed I claim these caverns as mine alone.  My gentle soul sheltered within the stone. Whenever I seek shelter from the storm. I close my eyes and come back home. She has an entire cavern of her own The Muse I haunted all alone Her laughter still lights up my heart I do not care about this story I find in this no pride nor glory I pay my penance in restless discord Then the quiet comes to put away the sword. Rays of light cut through the maw And play the memories of what I saw I am myself, a simple and sad one Now I mu...

  Somehow I have failed again. I didn't see this coming. I saw the signs, but he had promised, time after time, that we would figure it out together, that he would be there when I needed him. Then he disappeared, and I still wanted to believe,  even after all the hard words, the disdain and accusations, the lies, the unethical conduct, the experiments, the deflection of blame, the self glorification...  We tried. You know we did. We gave heart and soul to that man. He said he was like our father and we were like his son. Then he decided to let us die. I was telling you. You didn't listen. you were letting him hurt us, gaslight us, try to destroy us. Cover up his tracks. The unreturned calls? The pharmacy in the dark? the team caught off guard? The nurse disappearing, he stopped talking to us like a doctor. He talked like a lawyer, and used that sugary, pretend reasonable tone with others, to gaslight them too, and some still don't see it.  You're going to make everyo...

      It was two years ago, I think. My memory has always been a bit shaky. We weren't close. Her name was Arianna. She was my cousin. Honestly we were never close. I heard the news on Christmas. I understand they found her on the floor. Like I said we were never close. All I really knew is that she was troubled. The last time I saw her was at her father's last wedding. I remember because she came in the room, walked up beside me, never said a word to me, eventually walked back out. I had to ask someone, because I hadn't seen her in years... was that Arianna? Yes, that was my cousin. In my defense, she had never struck me as the most approachable person. Actually, my earliest memory of her is when she was like 4, and we were visiting, and I greeted her, and her response was "Bitch". I was really more surprised then I was upset. When she overdosed I think she was not yet 30.

     So, if my family is as innocent as they say, then that only leaves the hospital. My concern is that it's happened twice now. They keep diagnosing me psychotic when I'm not psychotic. I'm told there's not much SC can do about that. My concern is that at some point in the future I'll need to go back to the hospital for some reason or another. Last time I was more careful about my communication. I made sure to be very clear about what the problem was, what I needed, etc. I have discussed with my team writing a letter to the hospital administration about my concerns. If they are not part of the problem, they can be part of the solution. I need to stop the cycle of changing my diagnoses and my symptoms to match the prejudices of the staff. It's not actually helping anyone.      I don't have the energy that I had when I was younger, and I'm losing patience for this, especially when it devolves into long hospital stays, threats, or not getting what I need....