Darkness Until Dawn

  Somehow I have failed again. I didn't see this coming. I saw the signs, but he had promised, time after time, that we would figure it out together, that he would be there when I needed him. Then he disappeared, and I still wanted to believe,  even after all the hard words, the disdain and accusations, the lies, the unethical conduct, the experiments, the deflection of blame, the self glorification...  We tried. You know we did. We gave heart and soul to that man. He said he was like our father and we were like his son. Then he decided to let us die. I was telling you. You didn't listen. you were letting him hurt us, gaslight us, try to destroy us. Cover up his tracks. The unreturned calls? The pharmacy in the dark? the team caught off guard? The nurse disappearing, he stopped talking to us like a doctor. He talked like a lawyer, and used that sugary, pretend reasonable tone with others, to gaslight them too, and some still don't see it.  You're going to make everyo...

      It was two years ago, I think. My memory has always been a bit shaky. We weren't close. Her name was Arianna. She was my cousin. Honestly we were never close. I heard the news on Christmas. I understand they found her on the floor. Like I said we were never close. All I really knew is that she was troubled. The last time I saw her was at her father's last wedding. I remember because she came in the room, walked up beside me, never said a word to me, eventually walked back out. I had to ask someone, because I hadn't seen her in years... was that Arianna? Yes, that was my cousin. In my defense, she had never struck me as the most approachable person. Actually, my earliest memory of her is when she was like 4, and we were visiting, and I greeted her, and her response was "Bitch". I was really more surprised then I was upset. When she overdosed I think she was not yet 30.

     So, if my family is as innocent as they say, then that only leaves the hospital. My concern is that it's happened twice now. They keep diagnosing me psychotic when I'm not psychotic. I'm told there's not much SC can do about that. My concern is that at some point in the future I'll need to go back to the hospital for some reason or another. Last time I was more careful about my communication. I made sure to be very clear about what the problem was, what I needed, etc. I have discussed with my team writing a letter to the hospital administration about my concerns. If they are not part of the problem, they can be part of the solution. I need to stop the cycle of changing my diagnoses and my symptoms to match the prejudices of the staff. It's not actually helping anyone.      I don't have the energy that I had when I was younger, and I'm losing patience for this, especially when it devolves into long hospital stays, threats, or not getting what I need....

It’s stormy weather And the ship is rolling on the waves. Rally, my crew, and listen to this: This is your captain speaking. If I could change anything. Don’t you think things would be different? Believe that, if nothing else. I know you can’t believe in me. It’s a sorry state that’s come to pass. Hope be damned, I know my place. Ahoy there! Hoist the Jolly Roger! We are the worst brand of Pirates. We steal hopes and dreams And instill a wrenching terror. We take no prisoners. The sun will not shed on us a glitter or a gleam. This damn crew is ill trained and weak. Always on the edge of mutiny Always rolling in defeat. Hold fast, my crew, hold fast. There’s battles we must engage Back off, you fools, back off I’ll take you all by sword! Hold fast, my crew there’s rough seas ahead And the ship will sink if the captain is dead. I wish I could change the past. It’s all I can think about. Somethings are meant to die, I guess. I raided your ship brutally I thought I’d end up rich; Now I pay...

Talk to me. Talk to me. Where do you go when I’m not looking? Maybe to the sky… Well, I’m here on the earth I just want my clothes. I wanna dress up in Gold and silver, Pretend I’m an angel That sort of thing. I’ll hide behind my clothes. Maybe when you look at me You won’t be able to see me But for the light shining off my silver. Where are my clothes? I sew them out of invisible fiber Creating something from nothingness. I miss my clothes! I don’t want to lose them Because I need them. How can you see through my clothes? See me inside? Now I have to hide in the night from you. And I don’t like the dark.

Walk with me through the storm Talk with me as we go along Watch the wind And watch the rain And carefully I shall explain Explain the future.   The stars are beautiful I walk along the beaches And it seems like this moment could never end.   Orion, where are you I see you in the stars I wish I could be up there too But I am here on earth. Run away, never again I just need patience now Because it’s only a matter of time And then I will recover The flowers are so beautiful I never want to lose them They need someone to water them How could I just pick up and go Knowing that would rip them up? ©️ 2024, Accountec, LLC