Merry Chwistmas to all, and to all a good byte!

Found Her

     It was two years ago, I think. My memory has always been a bit shaky. We weren't close. Her name was Arianna. She was my cousin. Honestly we were never close. I heard the news on Christmas. I understand they found her on the floor. Like I said we were never close. All I really knew is that she was troubled. The last time I saw her was at her father's last wedding. I remember because she came in the room, walked up beside me, never said a word to me, eventually walked back out. I had to ask someone, because I hadn't seen her in years... was that Arianna? Yes, that was my cousin. In my defense, she had never struck me as the most approachable person. Actually, my earliest memory of her is when she was like 4, and we were visiting, and I greeted her, and her response was "Bitch". I was really more surprised then I was upset. When she overdosed I think she was not yet 30.

God willing and the Hospital will hear

    So, if my family is as innocent as they say, then that only leaves the hospital. My concern is that it's happened twice now. Once at CCBH and once at Memorial. They keep diagnosing me psychotic when I'm not psychotic. I'm told there's not much SC DHEC can do about that. My concern is that at some point in the future I'll need to go back to the hospital for some reason or another. Last time at memorial I was more careful about my communication. I made sure to be very clear about what the problem was, what I needed, etc. I have discussed with my team writing a letter to the hospital administration about my concerns. If they are not part of the problem, they can be part of the solution. I need to stop the cycle of changing my diagnoses and my symptoms to match the prejudices of the staff. It's not actually helping anyone. 

    I don't have the energy that I had when I was younger, and I'm losing patience for this, especially when it devolves into long hospital stays, threats, or not getting what I need. I had this desire for Memorial to be on my side, seeing as my family has been so long associated with that hospital. I think that they would prefer to be on the same side, but can't see past their own preconceptions and the legacy of Prichards. Thing is, I don't think even Prichards would be proud of the hospital's behavior. He was all about listening and acting based on facts. He had his own faults and preconceptions, but he would not defend the lack of listening that has been going on. I believe he would find it against his principles. 

    Thankfully, for now, unless I'm in some unexpected accident or unforeseen circumstances, I doubt I will be back at the hospital any time soon. I really like the way the medication is working right now. I have a detailed understanding of how each medication contributes to the full picture. I know what to expect if I happen to run out or we have to adjust a dose. The routine has become much more predictable. 

    I'm focusing on keeping my days consistent. Every day, Repeating the same habits, keeping it simple. I'm turning my attention back to All the Colors of the Rainbow for a bit.

    I am engrossed in my research for my Civil War Greenville book. The more research I do the more I know I need. I'm working on clarifying the city's status leading up to the war... what businesses were here, the notable people, things of that nature.

    Story writing is coming slowly. My short attention span gets the better of me. Yet I feel on borrowed time, trying to go in multiple directions and ending up going no where. God willing, I'll have some more story parts soon.

    Dat Bat. Nebber a dull moment. Der he goes again, stealing Spidey's best carapace. Why, it was just di udder gnight...

    Spidey was so berry happy. It had been a gweat day for the nest! Sebben flies, and Spidey had finished the Mona Fleasa, my primier werk of art for di community.

    Spidey was so berry pwoud. She was BEAUTIFUL, and quite tasty looking. Well, no sooner had di lights gone out when there was a flapping sound at di window. Spidey rushes to look. Der must have been twenty bats out der! All carrying a most pwecious cargo!

    "HEY YOU! BATS! DROP DI CARAPACES! HEY! NOT IN DI... ribber..."

    They had stolen Spidey's prize carapaces, worth countless flies. Den dey dropped dem in di ribber. 

    Gone. In di ribber. Di cwazy bat duddent know how to stop. 

A lack of Conspiracy after all...

    Well, it turns out that my family didn't actually talk the hospital into re-bipolarizing me.. Seems the staff just got creative in an effort to flip my script. Sneaky little devils. All's well that ends well though. It got me writing more, and I love to write. I do. I hope I can write something people really enjoy. 

    I get frustrated with the process. Then I get grouchy about it. Today it was the website giving me trouble. Found a few broken links that I fixed, but I wanted to splash up the colors and the editor was not that responsive. I continue to research. I'm working on adding more writing and some more images and other content. 

 

Dichotomy of the illusion of Reality

Split between the person I am and the person you would have me be

Unable to blend the two into one without periodic flashes of truth

that reveal the dichotomy of my reality and betray the illusion outright

Making the consistency hard to maintain.

The persona, its perfection marred only by acceptable flaws of social construction

The other, a living being contorted to maintain the illusion

They draw me out with the bait

Looking for some facts to twist back into some semblance of the illusion.

Occasionally we come to crisis created by the inability to tolerate our truths

Seeking to restore the myth, we wind our facts into narratives

Hoping to disguise the inconsistency of reality with a pretty lie dressed up in theories

Running away from the truth, we only trip up over the inconsistencies

The inconvenient truths of our imperfections and failures

Cannot overcome the engineering of our most contorted perfection

In which reality is the disease, and lies are the cure

Inevitably comes the crash, through the conflict of what is and what we pretend to be

In the end, the illusion is the reality and the truth is the psychosis we hope to deny.

Tips from a Therapist

 

Spidey a liddle under di wedder...

 

 

 

The Dangers of Persistence (Part 1)

    Persistence can be a troublesome thing. Sometimes people don't see the dangers of persistence. 

    What is it does it look like when you persist beyond all evidence to the contrary? What is it called when you persist TOO far?

______ (adj): 

    having or showing dogged determination not to change one's attitude or position on something, especially in spite of good arguments or reasons to do so.

"a ______ refusal to learn from experience"

    One thing that I was taught growing up, that has been repeatedly reinforced, to a fault, is persistence. Yet, persistence carried too far starts to look remarkably like ... being stubborn. Being stubborn is a problem for sure. Sometimes, flexibility is required. Take iron, for example. Pure iron is not very flexible. It's hard, but it will break. Sometimes a soul has to be forged in a fire to become strong, just like iron has to be forged in fire to become stronger. The Samurai had a method of forging swords to make them very strong. It involved repeatedly bending the metal back on itself and hammering it together over and over again. This made the blade hard but with some give and not as brittle. It gave the blade strength, sharpness, but also some flexibility. 

    So too a soul must be. Sometimes a person must bend with the wind in order to survive the wind. To be willing to bend is to adapt and to learn. Change will always come. Challenges will always come. You can't always be prepared for everything. The willingness to make changes or adjust on the fly is not indecisiveness if properly thought out. The willingness to adapt is not weakness or lack of courage if it is necessary. 

    There have been many moments in battles which a leader had to make a choice whether to adapt or stay the course and chose to stay the course to disastrous results. Sometimes persistence is not courage or strength... sometimes it is stubbornness, foolishness, and weakness. 

    

Dancing in the Moonlight

Careful

    I'm trying to be careful. Focusing on the basics allows less room for error. I'm keeping my timeliness and accuracy as high as I can, maintaining records, and keeping my head clear. I've got to keep moving forward. I can't move backwards. I try to make time to fill in bits of my writing as well, but sometimes maintaining my work and my health take all of my time. 

    It's very strange how social relationships work. I cannot figure them out for the life of me. People are unpredictable. Sometimes they are are nice as pie, sometimes there is such strong hostility, and sometimes they are simply so fake that conversation becomes an exercise in absurdity. Some of the strangest experiences are conversations that actually leave you with far more questions then answers. 

    Then there are the smaller contradictions. You get paid to verify orders, but some suppliers make it virtually impossible to verify the order. They don't label or they seal the order. Then I'm supposed to guess whether they did their job right and confirm. If I guess right then it's ok but if I guess wrong then it's on me. Never mind that they make the job impossible in the first place. 

    Anyways, when I'm not absorbed by the nitty gritty, I'm trying to let people see my positive sides. That's not always easy and sometimes I make mistakes. Sometimes impatience or frustration get the better of me. Other times, there's not a lot of room to maneuver. I try to avoid highly rigid situations for just that reason. I'm tired of getting boxed into situations. Yet I do have positive sides. People have to choose to see them. There is an us vs them mentality out there. It's unfortunate. Life is better when people work together. Yet people make choices. Sometimes they choose the path of most resistance. 

    I'm finding it helps to divide my time between work and reflection. It helps me to clarify the changes that I need. Life cannot simply be repetition. Life requires growth. Life requires beginnings and endings. A life with too much certainty is not sustainable. I'm trying to streamline so that I can prioritize necessary change in my life. 

    I feel like I have taken my eye off the ball. Relied on the wrong assumptions. I cannot allow myself to stray again. I need to be more careful. I'm getting older and there is only so much time. It's not just that I don't want to buy into false narratives, there's not enough time and energy for it. Repeating the same fights, regurgitating the same grievances, worrying about the same people and events again and again, makes no sense. 

    Sometimes I miss Robo-Rob. I get caught up in the details of how I got from there to here. Then I get tired of thinking about it. I try to go out and do stuff. It doesn't go great. That's what brings me back to the how's of getting here and being here. 

    The thing about being numbed out is that in a way it feels good but it doesn't lead anywhere. Clozaril is a permanent dead end. A one way trip to nowhere. Yet People want to believe in it so badly, that they'll destroy almost anything, do almost anything to maintain the lie. Zero recognition of the harm done in the process. Arguing with someone who is convinced that they are right is worse then arguing with a wall, because a wall doesn't attack you for simply disagreeing. The wall just maintains its position. 

    I heard something that really resonated. It was "you can't change someone's behavior, you can only change how you react to it." This is very true. 

Psychology Article